OK, It's a Model A

Not knowing much about modern cars, I'm definitely lacking in education about antique vehicles. I have been corrected that the color was true for a Model A. Now we all know. ;)

Anyone have a treatment for eczema that works? I've been itching for months now. I just about can't stand living in this skin.

I went around the school today taking pix to help get a stock of photos to use in a revision of the school website. I enjoy doing creative things. I hope the committee I'm on to do this revision will get something more attractive and functional up.

As September 11th's anniversary comes closer I feel a heaviness on my heart. I remember praying the rosary for so, so long. I committed to say a "Hail Mary" for every soul killed that day and it took almost a year for me to get it done since most of my prayers were in the car. The rosary that I used became so contaminated with that sadness that I asked my then priest to help me find a place to honorably retire it. It is now in the small, small space between the stone altar and the marble floor in that new sanctuary. It makes me feel good that it is in a holy place for all time. Somehow it preserves the memory and lives of all those poor souls. It has the sudden and startling rememberance reserved for events like "where you were when JFK was shot" or "where you were when you learned about the Challenger." Only it's like 3,000 times more awful. I was standing in a science classroom in front of 30 kids and my first impulse was to drop to my knees in prayer. I know of teachers that did and were admonished for it. Our world changed that day, but the victims of that terrible day were accompanied into larger life by over 4,000 Americans who have now died in the "War Against Terror." It's almost more heartbreak than one can stand to think about -- all those families that have lost special people in their lives. And these numbers are probably small compared to the Iraqi deaths in the last several years. A lot of blood. A LOT of blood. Peace and compassion are so hard to strive for in this world. Such incredible destruction that day and since then. Many hero's in Pennsylvania, the Pentagon, and New York. I'm acquainted with an FBI agent that went to Staten Island where the remains of the buildings were taken, and he looked for bits and pieces of people. I grieve for the Port Authority workers that lost all their specially trained and beloved cainine officers. I think of Police Officers and Fire Personnel who rushed in at the first sign of trouble only to become victims themselves. God bless the peacemakers in all this. I hope families, communities, and colleagues are healing. Bring us peace Lord.

(Dove photo courtesy of: http://sunwalked.wordpress.com/2007/07/30/conflict-resolution-in-peace-building/)

Geocaching

Sunday was a special delight because I got invited to breakfast. Wonderful pancakes and bacon and orange juice served to the tune of children laughing and playing. Miss Jewel even ate a little itty bit of pancake.

Afterwards we went on an impromptu trip to Rockmart for Geocaching. Liam thought it was grand fun looking for "pirate treasure," and the rest of us had a fun time too. One cache was straightforward and the other was a very clever hide. Very clever. Liam is the "Chestnut Squirrel" as his geonick, and I haven't created one for Jewel yet. Liam was just barely walking when he went with me to an event and I created his own account.

Wow, look at those teeth! I walked a LOT today so I'm ready for bed. If the video shows but is sideways, there's nothing I can do about it. Just turn your head.

We went to a couple parks today. I tried taking video a couple times, but operator error really screwed things up. Jewel even had fun. I met a Mr. Hayes who restored this beautiful 1929 Ford. I admonished him that Henry Ford wouldn't approve of his paint job, since it was neither black, black nor black. It was the most beautiful restoration I've ever seen though. He reports it can get up to 50 to 55 at top speed.

My dad told of a trip with his uncle's new Model T. His Aunt and Uncle rode up front, and his mom and dad sat in the back. He and his sister sat on buckets turned up-side-down from Long Island, New York all the way to Florida. I suspect that must have been an interesting trip! I wonder if the adults have as fond of memories of it, as my dad did?

Hands and Feet

OK, so we got cute little imprints of Liam's hands and feet when he was something like two weeks old. Jewel is a few days shy of being 9 months old, so by chance today we went by the pottery studio and with mom and I and some soft clay we were able to finally get her little hand and footprints. It was so fun getting them. I could see her little brain cogs turning and turning and going "What the hell are they doing with me right now!! This is weird!" Because we'd have to hold her in certain positions and one person would have to hold Jewel while the other person did the imprint. As long as we were at it we did several. It was fun.

She is also doing the crab crawl now. I kept her for a bit last night and for some reason she doesn't realize that legs can work similarly bilaterally. She scoots her left leg holding it under her, while pushing off with her right leg extended. If you didn't know her, you might think she couldn't work her left leg right or something. The reality is that she hasn't figured out that she can push off with the left one just like she can with the right. It works for her, and she sure can get around. The really odd thing is that her brother did the very same kind of crab crawl when he was learning to crawl. How can something so behavioral be genetic? I dunno.

She is is about to have four teeth. Jenn said that the other middle top tooth was breaking through as we were doing foot and hand prints.

Being a grammy is a lot of fun. I like it very much.

Still working on raising funds for the 3-Day. Jenn went and did a practice walk today with some ladies over at Mirror Lake. I'm so proud of her for taking on this commitment. Always room for a few more bucks in the fund: www.jenny3day.info

Daily Adventures

Another great day at school. Rushed out afterwards to Walmart to get Betty cigarettes. Somehow when I made the major grocery haul yesterday, after years of getting staples for Betty, I forgot to get her cigarettes. This would not be a problem except for the fact that she was down to two packs. So I knew that I HAD to get a major haul this afternoon first thing. I took them and some new lawn chairs for her front porch over there and it must have been 90 in the house. I sat down and visited with her for a while, but between the smoke and heat, had to run. She wanted me to take her to dinner, but I'm still coming home and going to bed as soon as I can, so I put her off. And, in fact, I came home afterwards and took my afternoon nap.

The good news of the day is that I believe the pH is what caused my fishy friends to have a crisis a couple weeks ago. I've been monitoring water parameters closely and by keeping the pH up, my fin'd friends are recovering quite well. In fact I'm pretty certain they are back to fishy normal.

Tomorrow I have a check-in with the oncologist. Just want to get a couple things checked out. Thankfully I was able to work the appointment so that I only leave campus a little early and don't have to take any sick leave, which I don't yet have.

I hope you and those you love are well and safe this night.

Wussy Weekend

I thank the fates for the three-day weekend. Last week was very taxing on my personal energy reserves. But, I rested and I'm feeling considerably better. I did major laundry today and did Betty's grocery shopping and that's about as productive as I've been this weekend.

I've been watching the news / weather with everyone else and pondering some things. A comment recently about the reporting style of a particular news network surprised me. You know I can see political orientations on different news channels sometimes, but on the whole, I think the news we see from 6 - 7 PM or whatever, is really pretty restrictive. I see political bias in publications like Reader's Digest occasionally, and I've never thought for a moment that Fox News is really balanced. On the web I tend to read most of my news from Reuters. I kind of think that Reuters is a little more in-depth than most of the other news services. I don't read MSNBC or focus on the AP site. Reuters is a little more global I guess; not completely focused on the US to the exclusion of almost every other country or world event.

It's really shocking to me that a lot of what goes on in the world never makes it to our local or national news programs. Understanding how the US fits into the the global situation is important or we become naive to the larger picture. I'm personally worried about the Dalai Lama and his being sick. That hasn't been reported in American news much. I pray for him to have a swift recovery, but worry that that if he does die soon, the Chinese will nominate and push for their own selection for the next Dalai Lama and make him a puppet. This one has become an artist in diplomacy and advocacy in non-violent ways. Too many have died already. I hope he gets well soon. I am concerned about the situation in Indonesia where over a million have died in political strife and yet we don't hear about that here. I want to understand better why the Prime Minister of Japan just resigned, and why we don't hear much of anything about McCain's two sons: one is at Annapolis and the other enlisted at 17 after graduating from high school. OK, so Palin's daughter is a teen statistic, but what about mom and her 17-month old 5th child with Down Syndrome. Who is Palin's hubby and what is he like? Are they Catholic? I don't know....do you? Gustave appears to have left New Orleans largely intact, but Hannah goes up the east coast and Ike is zooming our way. That's all we hear about right now. It's important but not everything going on in the world.

I think most readers and news consumers are smart enough to perceive the political subtleties that are put out there during newscasts. Anyone who doesn't think propaganda goes on today, is asleep at the wheel. By the same token, I don't think most folks talk about it overtly. My favorite paper is The Philadelphia Enquirer because they print the Supreme Court majority and minority opinions in their entirety. I think that is so cool. I don't think it's cool enough to take a subscription or anything. I read some on the web from The New York Times but it's so reliant on the AP that I know it's not the be-all-end-all of news. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm way more interested in surviving day-to-day. News is something I filter in late at night when I'm not sleeping. I'd be curious what you think about the political leanings of news sources and how you get around them -- but restrict your responses to 50 words or less. I don't care more than 50 words. I'm just curious how you filter your news sources or if you even care.

I'm setting the alarm and getting ready for another week (albeit a shorter one) back at work. It was, I admit, awfully nice to get paid this past week and not have to live off disability. Wherever you are this night, I hope you are dry, warm enough (or cool enough) and that you and those you love are safe. And everyone send positive vibes to the Highland Pearls who I think are likely to leave Carrollton soon for San Francisco for their 3-Day walk. It's a big, big commitment and I'm so proud of them and their efforts. Godspeed to Catherine, Hazel, Martha and Julie. I wish you no blisters, lots of fun, and beautiful weather.

Helping Around the World

Ayesha Munir Ahmad Group Cosmetics Sales, Pakistan
Raising Funds
43% raised

Juliana Fish Selling, Peru
Paying Back
84% repaid

Luz María Urbalejo Martínez Jewelry, Mexico
Paid Back
100% repaid

Helen Bakare Clothing Sales, Nigeria
Paying Back
75% repaid

I heard about Kiva (www.kiva.org) on Oprah of all things. It was while I was watching tv sideways as I lay in bed all puny from chemo. I invested $25 in one woman who was trying to improve her life. Then a different day I invested another $25, and finally I wanted to honor my surgeon by investing another $25 in another woman.

Some loans have already been paid back, so I just had enough to invest in another woman. My goal is to help women in poverty to improve their earning potential. I kind of see it as a way to spread a little (very little) American wealth around the world, and maybe earn us a little positive thoughts from places in the world that think poorly of us. It's fun to select someone and get the updates and then know at the end when they've paid back the money, that presumably their life is a bit better because they've improved their ability to make money and support themselves.

It's a small investment in global goodness. I like it because you can re-invest the money over and over and keep the goodness going. My life is very blessed. It's a small way I feel like I can help others who struggle. It was very hard making it when I was a single mom raising a child and working two and three jobs. I feel a kinship with these women that also struggle and work endless hours.

My fund-raising focus is still the 3-Day right now, but I like the diversion above. It doesn't take but $25 to start something that just makes the world better; literally.

Teens and How Their Brains Develop

Harvard Magazine has an interesting article that's worth reading if you're an educator, know a teen, or wonder why you did some nutty things when you were a teen.

http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html?utm_source=Editor%27s+Highlights&utm_campaign=2821c7e774-email0908&utm_medium=email

Very, very, very tired tonight. Going to bed now. Rah, rah .... tomorrow I work the Friday night football game. I'm stuck there until half-time, BUT by doing it and getting it over and done with, I don't have to worry about it the rest of 2008. I have to do a game in the Spring semester, but I'll deal with that later. The three day weekend is going to be welcomed by me for some rest and hopefully some recreation too. I hope you and those you love are well and have a safe holiday.

Eyeballs

Well, I went to the eye doc today and got a real surprise. He does all kinds of fancy tests and pictures. I thought maybe my Rx had changed. What I found out instead is more information than I ever knew about eyeballs.

Eyes have two different kinds of muscles. The eye muscles that make your eyes move from side-to-side are the same kind of muscles in your legs and arms. Now there is a different kind of muscle that controls the opening and closing of the pupils. Those are smooth muscles. The other place in your body where there are smooth muscles is in your gut. So the muscles that make the pupil expand and contract in your eye, is the same kind of muscle in your intestines.

Turns out that the chemistry of chemotherapy effects the smooth muscles in your eye. My eyes aren't focusing right, not because my Rx has changed, but because the residue of the chemo in my body is causing the smooth muscles in my eye to not focus simultaneously or with much acuity. It's been eight months since my last chemo, but it's the gift that keeps on giving.

I hope you and those you love are well this day. It's all good here.

Making Up for Being a Slacker

Between having a cold, being worn out from work, and not sleeping very regularly, I've been remiss about posting in the last while.

I do OK during the work day, but once it is over, I just absolutely become a noodle. This week is particularly hard because I have meetings and appointments after school all week. Stay with me as I build up endurance.

Tonight I'd like to introduce you to my content teacher. His name is Jeff and he's a real mench. He is chef extrordinaire when it comes to pork barbeque, breakfast knoshes and most anything that needs cooking. He also has a rare ability to work with and keep the peace between rowdy kids and to gain the respect of cynical teens. He's quite a guy and a good catch if you're looking for a fellow in the early 40's range.

This is our classroom. Can't you just smell the dust and the damp of a concrete block building? It hasn't changed over the decades. I can't show you the room with it's smiling faces because they're minors and I'm a responsible adult and because I like my job and don't have permission from parents, etc.

The entry to our building which is used, on the whole, by only 9th graders. It's called the Freshman Academy. It help (but doesn't completely prohibit) Juniors and Seniors from "trolling the halls for fresh meat" at the beginning of the school year. I know that's a crass way to frame it but 9th graders are crass, and I've heard it spoken of in just those kinds of terms by the Juniors and Seniors.

This is the main building. Well some of it. There are about 1100 students here and about 100 or so teachers plus other staff members. The most amazing time of the day is when the buses pull up and all the students pile out of the building to get on said buses and they all go toward home all at the same time. It's especially gratifying on a Friday afternoon, I must say.

This is a picture of Bubba, Doc and Baby. Now keep in mind this is a 55 gallon tank and that the biggest fish in the forefront is about 7 inches long. The fish behind him is more like 8 - 9 inches long. These two fellows and a gal (I think Baby is a girl.) were absorbing a lot of worry this past week, but I think some water measuring and consultation with various experts has narrowed down the problem to one of pH in the tank. They've been improving and I'm working on being a better fish "mom." These are the common comet's that I bought at about 1-1-1/2 inch two years ago and are now these flowing, beautiful water ballet artists that I'm trying not to kill.

Tomorrow night is breast cancer support group meeting, so I'm planning to crash and burn late tomorrow. Wednesday I'm getting my eyes examined -- oh joy! Actually, I'm actually hopeful that they can improve the visual field with new glasses, though I'm a little anxious about moving toward graduated lenses instead of my preferred executive lenses. I'm willing to try the graduated trifocals only because (a) I can get the lenses in the Transitions lenses so they can change with the light levels, and (b) they can actually make the lenses is less time than insisting on the executive lenses that take 3 weeks to grind and glue together. So, I'm going to give it a whirl. So, forgive me if I'm a bit tardy this week; I'm going to be chasing my tail a lot this week.

Blaugh!

I either have a sinus issue or a cold, but either way I feel like crap. I've dosed myself up with all kinds of decongestants and will either get better, have a seizure or a stroke, but by gosh, I can breathe.

My legs hurt, and I'm thinking it's from the weather front, AKA Fay. Even though its not here, it is big enough to influence things. I've taken some Tylenol for pain, and I had a nap when I came home from work. I'm hoping to be able to zonk out soon. It smells like EUCALYPTUS in here because I've bathed my legs in Biofreeze.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, because one more day in the week and I don't know how I'd handle it. I'm really feeling puny, and whiney.

I saw the most adorable cherub on the bus today. She was only five. She held her fingers up for me and her fat cheaks and blond hair were just adorable. Her friend who held up seven fingers was trying to find out if I knew her cousin Nicky and couldn't figure out how a teacher could NOT know her cousin. The concept of 1000 kids in one place at one time was beyond her ability. What a couple of charmers. I can't remember how it was to take the bus when I was five. I know I did, but I don't remember that far back. I must have once been one of those little charmers. If I knew what to do with them, I might well enjoy working with the little ones, but there is such a terrible race to teach, teach, teach so many ideas so fast now while they are little! Where did childhood go?

Real Conversation Today

Student: Is it true you have cancer?
Me: I'm hoping that I don't anymore, but yes, I was treated for it this last year.
Student: What kind of cancer do you have?
Me: Breast cancer.
Student: What part of your body is that?

(I swear -- and that's a regular education student too.)

Fishies!

OK, about 2 years ago, I bought some goldfish to entertain my grandson, Liam. He's 3 now, and the $0.29 goldfish that were about 1-inch in length (if that) are now about 8-9 inches in length. I'm not certain yet, but think I may have dawdled a bit too long in cleaning the tank, and some kind of infection/fungus/parasite has opportunistically (maybe) moved in and made themselves at home. I'm watching the fish closely. After a lot of research, although it seems very counter intuitive, I've added salt to the water. I put it in at half the dosage recommended. I'm a little anxious that they may not really be sick (I'm not a good fish diagnostician.) or that I'll treat them for something and mess things up enough to kill them. I've had these fishies for 2 years now and if they have a good owner, they can live to be 8 to 10 years of age! I'd feel pretty awful if I killed these fish after all this time, so I hope they end up being ok.

Jewel is a synapse away from figuring out how to crawl. Good lord preserve us when she does. She loves to grab things. This past Thursday she got one of her upper, middle teeth.

I have a cold or sinus crap. One or the other. In any case, I'm not feeling really great, so I'm going to hit the hay early. I couldn't get to sleep last night until around 3AM. So I'm pretty tired now.

I hope you and those you love are well this evening.

Ready, Set, CREW!

Saturday morning was an orientation for CREW members for the Atlanta 3-Day. I'm on the "Bus Liaison" crew. Turns out there are only 7 or so people with my job. My duties include entertainment of walkers too tired to continue walking but waiting on the bus to be carried back to camp and the bus can't leave until it's full. I'm to dress up for the part. A prospect that delights me and which I think may include dee-del-dee-bompers, but I digress. The crew that "guards" solo walkers and helps with traffic management arrived while I was outside. I made them get together so I could take a pic. Now, off to the side of the picture are all kinds of really macho motorcycles. It was fun to get with folks who have done the 3-Day before and see their commitment. I took notes, and actually had a fun time as they gave us an overview of what to expect.

I turned in my request for personal time so I can do the 3-Day, but haven't heard back if it's approved or not.

I'm catching a cold. I woke up in the night with the scratchy throat and stuffy nose.

I have to work harder on getting ready for the 3-Day. I have lists of things to do or get. It seems like it will be a growing and interesting experience.

I got to meet a member of the 16 member team that raised the most funds last year. And, it's all about getting money for the research. These people are really dedicated to getting the bucks so the "cure" can be found. This is good news for me. I need them to be dedicated and to get the money and to keep fueling the research.

Just as a general reminder, the goal of $2200 is still elusive and if you'd like to throw $5 to 50 or more dollars at cancer, it'd be appreciated. Check out www.jenny3day.info I was shocked by the people there who asked their friends for minimum donations of $100 each and got them! Holy crap! They know folks in a whole different economic bracket than me, evidentally! It's mercinary to ask for money, but it's where the solutions to the cancer problem come from. It's the money that buys the little naked mice that the researchers need, and make the drugs, and pay for their beakers and white coats, and whatever else they need. I feel honored for ever cent anyone sends on my behalf. Thanks! Because many of you have sent money, and evey penny is something you do to honor me and the other cancer victims out there. But keep sending money. We've got a long way to go. Don't do it because you like us, do it because you hate cancer.

Who knew?

It appears that Bigfoot is from Georgia! See this CNN story. This story also has some interesting detais. Also from CNN....these details. Somehow, the image of a Bigfoot from Georgia is a little disturbing. Not because I'm afraid of them or anything. But, because it's like the Deliverance version of Science. You can almost hear the banjo in the background. Now, I understand that these gentlemen are upstanding members of the community with good references. They've turned the body over to science investigators in California for independent testing. That's good. All the same, why couldn't Bigfoot have been found in Wyoming instead of Georgia? (If it is indeed something we might characterize as Bigfoot.) Redneck mentality wasn't bad enough, now we can be characterized as the 1st cousins to Bigfoot. Sigh. How unfortunate -- especially for the dead Bigfoot.

Made it to Friday again. Two weeks down, about 34 to go. :)

Oh dear. Now the AP has picked up the story.

And lastly.........the person that thought THIS was a good idea, hasn't worked in a classroom recently. The part that is disturbing most to me is that they actually considered letting students have weapons too. Ugly idea. Very ugly.

School

School is going well. I tire more easily than the rest of the crew. It's going ok though. Tired.

For the first time in about 40 years, I'm going to have to get a sweater to wear indoors. Interesting that I've become much more cold-natured without boobs. Who knew they were the heaters that they apparently were?! I used to wear a sweater instead of a coat. Now I want one to wear in the classroom. My shawl isn't enough. Brrrrr.

Must sleep. Night all.

Baptismal Covenant

Among other promises in the Baptismal Covenant, I have promised to:
(1) proclaim by word and example the Good News of God in Christ,
(2) seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving your neighbor as yourself,
(3) strive for justice and peace among all people, and respect the dignity of every human
being.


These are BIG promises that I made. As a Daughter of the King, I have further promised to live by these promises. These are hard promises too.

Each of us finds our own ways of working these promises into our lives. It's different for each person. In some ways for me I feel that I'm a terrible failure. In others I feel I make small in-roads. It's always a struggle on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I forget this for long periods of time. Sometimes the world THROWS opportunities in my face like a rude pie-in-the-face.

Sometimes it's as simple as giving my snack to some unfortunate soul by the expressway. Sometimes it's trying hard to honor the dignity of a teen who doesn't honor mine. Sometimes I wonder if I shall end up accomplishing #1, by showing others how to die. I hope not. But it lingers on my mind sometimes. I really hope I get to show how to live until I die, but one really doesn't know.

I have goals yet that I want to pursue with regard to the Baptismal Covenant. I hope I get to complete my plans. Yet, you know the little contacts, the little moments, and the little interactions we share with those who we see daily -- those are the moments when our true colors are most easily seen. I don't much worry how others see me in accomplishing these goals, but in the grand scheme of things, I'd like to think that I put more good into the world than I take back out.

When I least want to be generous in spirit is when it's hardest to try and exemplify these goals. I think that God helps us find that generosity, when we least have it available though. That is the magic of the Baptismal Covenant. We are flawed creatures that under the best of circumstances botch these mystical promises up. Yet, if we try, I think we are spiritually given the generosity of Spirit to do better than we might otherwise.

I wish you and those you love, the generosity of spirit to handle more than you might otherwise. And, no matter how well you can, or can not accomplish it, I wish blessings on you and your house.

Mother Theresa Quote

Life isn't about avoiding the storms,

it is about learning to dance in the rain.

Story of a Child

This is a well-written story. It is long, but worth the read, if you can manage to get all the way to the end. Ultimately, in my opinion, the reason this could happen is because authorities and the general public don't imagine that a mother can be an offender.

Here is the story.

Good hearts will help this child, but "normal" will never be anything but a dryer setting in her life. She had the will to live, but she will forever be limited because her first years of life were starved for love and appropriate interaction.

Neglect is as evil as inappropriate attention. Every child is a miracle. Every child deserves to be loved and cherished. Love is an amazing inoculation against the speedbumps one will experience on the road of life.

(I first saw this story at Washes of Color.) If you're a parent, hug your kids, just because.

Resillience

First of all, if you have any interest in this topic, I recommend reading anything by Martin E. P. Seligman, especially his book Learned Optimisism. Dr. Seligman was doing research as an up and coming doc in the way back and he had to do experiments that he found distasteful. In fact he found them immoral, and he vowed that if he ever got anywhere he'd never experiment on animals again. What his experiments then led to was the idea of "learned helplessness." Learned helplessness occurs when dogs are tied and shocked with an unpleasant but not damaging shock. After a while the dogs would just lay down in their cages and submit to the inevitable. Then you could take the tops off the cages and the leashes off the dogs, so the dogs could jump out if they wanted, and they wouldn't because they thought they were helpless against the inevitable shock. So they had an escape, but just would lay down and take it. In case you haven't already figured this out, this is what happens to women in abusive relationships, many prisoners of war, and often children who are ritually abused.

Seligman spent a portion of his life focusing on remedies for Learned Helplessness and treatments. Then one day he turned things around and asked, "What are the qualities that resilient people have that make them able to get up one more time than they are knocked down?" He decided he could focus on Learned Optimism. And he's done a bunch of studies and found out a lot of interesting things.

So, how does one come out on the other side of child abuse or cancer or both and still have a positive attitude? Well, that presumes you have a positive attitude first. For those of you that don't know my mother was nuts and ritually abused me on a regular basis. If you're unbelieving for some reason, check my x-rays of my hands. There are over 40 broken bones in my hands. That has led to some interesting life experiences in the sense that I probably try to "control" things too much. Often I think I speak up too much, and other times, I'm too silent. I am uncertain who the real ME is, because I'm basically using "normal" people as a barometer for what I'm supposed to be like, and making an attempt to make myself like them. Of course that doesn't really work well as a life path. I have my demons and I have my flaws, but the likelihood of me being able to exorcise them at this point in my life is pretty dim, so I'm best off shaking hands and making friends with them. I try not to let my nuts-ness out to walk around too often, but it's there.

Now that I've been through the whole treatment for cancer experience, I have other daunting issues that push in on me and make life more interesting; more complex. I have known women during my treatment, that refused to get chemotherapy because they couldn't stand the idea of losing their self-image -- they chose to die prematurely because they couldn't lose their hair. I know women who won't be seen in public with their flat, double-mastectomy chests. I refuse to stop living, so me and my suddenly-so-visible BELLY go and do things like exercise without my prosthetics. (Summer heat and exercise are not compatible with prosthetics in my book.) There have been other medical issues that could have kept me down, but I kept going anyway. My injured left foot had me down for a long time, but after finding a fellow that can do custom orthotics for me, my feet, knees and hips have recovered a lot. I go hiking and walk beaches and do most anything I want to, and can depend on my left foot and leg to hold me up. For a while, that wasn't anything I could envision, but I kept looking for solutions, even when things seemed hopeless. I mean after YEARS of pain and difficulty and surgeries. I hope to crew on the 3-Day Walk and back before orthotics, that wouldn't have been an option.

So what does this have to do with resillience and Learned Optimism? I guess for me it means that while I may be pessimistic about what might come into my life, I have a strong sense that whatever it is, I can find a way through it. I found a way through a difficult, and what was a damaging childhood experience. I found a way through a debilitating injury to my left foot and even though it took years to get to a better place, I kept looking for answers until I found the right ones for me. I don't know yet if this is all that the cancer demon has in store for me. I can tell you that I've taken every possible step I can to ensure that I've done the maximum I can so that it is. However, you and I both know that cancer is sneeky. It may come back. I hope not, but until and unless it does, I'm LIVING. Until I stop breathing, I'm living

This stuff that people say I have called "courage" is nothing more than the need to preserve my Self. You just keep enduring until there isn't anything more to endure. Life is a marathon; a race that goes to the steady runner, not the swiftest. When you get to the other side of the hard part of the journey, you hope like all get-out that there's something good there. For me, the good was being a mom, being a grammy, getting to travel, being an instrument of change at different points in time, helping others know that there is "good" worth getting to the other side for. (Bad grammar, but you know what I mean.)

Plato observed many centuries ago, that it was important to "Be kind to everyone you meet, for they are all in a great struggle." My struggle is no bigger or different than your life struggle, but it's important to hold on and endure because the sweet moments are ever so much sweeter for the struggle. Look forward to the sweet moments, sometimes you are ambushed by what becomes that moment. I didn't expect having a child to be the warm, wonderful experience that it was. I sure didn't expect to fall in love so deeply with grandchildren. Each trip I've taken has had hidden treasures I couldn't have anticipated. And the list of unexpected dividends and sweet reward goes on. I'm sure I have more speedbumps in the road of life ahead of me, but the goal is the sweet joy of the unexpected.

First Day With Kiddies

I turned the alarm off this morning and woke up at 7:15. I'm supposed to be at work at 7:45 and I live 15 minutes from work when there's NO traffic. Needless to say, I got to work late. What a great start to the school year!

It was a race today to stay up with all the requirements, but I feel decent about having met my responsibilities once I got there. No more turning off the alarm without putting my feet on the floor!

Kids were good today, but there's always a "honeymoon" period. By Monday the goodness will wear thin, and by Tuesday, we'll have normal teens. So far our biggest class has 29 in it. It's shoulder to shoulder in there with 29.

I did a count today while we were talking about countries we've visited, and I've been to 11 countries! Canada, Mexico, France, England, Belgium, Switzerland, British West Indies, Bahama, Belize, Honduras, Luxembourg. Have a passport, will travel! Sometime before I croak, I'd like to see Northern Ireland, Prague, Costa Rica, Brazil, Argentina, Germany and if get to all those places, then I'll think about places in SE Asia, and even though it's really a part of the US, I want to see Alaska too.

It's interesting to me, and disappointing that so many students who have not been any farther than Alabama, don't want to travel, don't think there is anything to learn by traveling, and are harboring a lot of anger at people from other places who live here. They assume that all immigrants are illegal. A very poor generalization.

One of those palatial homes and businesses in Honduras. The toilet facilities were out back, and I think the bathwater is in the ocean. The woman in the "window" (sans glass) was preparing food. According to teens in Haralson County, all Latino's are Mexican, and I have no idea why anyone would want to leave here for America -- legally or illegally. Our taxi driver in Honduras said there was no reason to leave the island when the hurricanes came, because anyplace they'd fly you would be innundated by water too, so you might as well die at home. It was clear that this island had been very damaged by storms sometime recently. Food here has to be a whole different kind of thing. Nothing like a Publix or Ingles here. The astonishing thing I found was how starched and crisply white the school boy/girl shirts are, and everyone has a white shirt to go with their uniform pants and skirts. I suspect since mom/dad PAY good money to send their children to school that the students are a lot more polite and that horseplay would not be viewed well, either. Neither public nor private schools in these countries put up with students misbehaving. They just throw them out. But..........I digress.

The good news is that I think my hair is about one-inch in length now.

More good news: I got the teacher duty that I really like (really). Every three weeks it'll be my turn to direct traffic in the parking lot. I love telling people where to go. :)

I do have one duty that I really despise. I have to go in and do a "walk through" of the girls bathroom every morning. It is humiliating to have to do that, and it makes me really, really nervous that I'll end up in court someday trying to explain why I was in the student restrooms. Ick! Mostly what I learn is that next to no one washes their hands. Double and triple ICK!

Tomorrow I really can just sleep until I wake up on my own. Ahhhhh, the good life!

Motivation

We had a motivational speaker come today for a MANDITORY training. It ran from 8:30 to Noon. He was a really good speaker, but my gosh my butt was really screaming by the time it was done.

Got our classrolls today, and if they really hold at these numbers we'll have no more than 27 in a class, which would be a nice change from years previous where we had 32 in the class. Our room is too small for 32 plus two teachers.

Tomorrow is another late night at school. I don't have to go in until noon though. There will be a LOT more families and kids dropping by tomorrow night though.

I was a little stronger today, although I came very, very close to nodding off during that speaker for a moment this morning. People are interesting. Most are taking time to tell me they are glad to see me back. Some are wondering why they haven't seen me in a while (duh?), and then there are the ones that feel COMPELLED to tell me about anyone they have EVER known that had cancer of any description. Sigh. Please hand the latter folks a CLUE.

Must sleep now. Romeo, did you hear that? We both need to sleep. No spunky interruptions to the Sandman tonight at 2AM!

Open House

Tonight was open house at school (another one Thursday night) so we didn't have to report until noon today. The room got very dusty and grimy over the summer so we've been using 409 and some elbow grease to get the place spiffed up. The room looks nice and my case files have been found. I'm really, really tired tonight. I worked mostly on the computer today doing lesson plans, our course syllabus and getting ready for all the flurry of special education forms I'll have to send out.

The cleaning goddess came today so I have clean sheets, and a clean house.

Tomorrow our day starts out with a 4 hour faculty meeting. Can I just tell you how EXCITED I am about that? YIKES! ARE THEY NUTS? I'm not excited about that at all!

Anyone have about 120 dead tennis balls? The make nice little "socks" for the desks, and help preserve the floor. It keeps the room quieter too. I need the dead tennis balls from a couple of tennis teams!

Must sleep. Very, very, very tired tonight.

Oh, My Achin' Back

Today went really well. I did miss my afternoon nap. ;) The only negative is that my back hurts tonight, I'm guessing from wearing my prosthetics all day. The classroom is taking shape. We had our first faculty meeting today. Everything is going like it's supposed to. Tomorrow night (and Thursday) is an open house so we don't have to go in until Noon, because we don't get off until 8PM.

Going to bed early tonight! Peace.

Love is Patient, Love is Kind, Love Endures

Love you, brother. Don't understand why you're upset. Until and unless you call or e-mail me with some clarification, I won't ever know or understand why you're upset. You seem to think I've done something to your computer. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't. What is this all about? Please e-mail or call me privately so we can figure out where the misunderstanding is. Love you.

Gearing Up

Went to Walmart today and spent my Sonny Money. If you're not from Georgia, Sonny Money is $100 given to teachers for the last three years so that we could better equip our classrooms at the beginning of the school year. I got LOTS of school glue at $0.17 each, and lots of colored paper which is HARD to get at school, and things like scissors, rulers and colored pencils. They'll all help as things go on.

I've also been tackling a mountain of laundry that I allowed to build up. I needed some clothes to wear tomorrow. I'm also trying to tidy up a bit since I don't want my cleaning goddess to know what an incredible slob that I really am.

Tomorrow I have to once again be a responsible adult. I have the alarm set, and clothing laid out, and I'm psyching myself up to be excited about the new school year starting. I get to sling on the boobs in the morning, put on make-up and act like a grown up. I've had a chance to preview what retirement is like, and I rather like it! With luck, in six more years I get to actually retire!

Point taken from Amber. I will not let the whippersnappers intimidate me. Much. I feel kind of bad for little Jewel tomorrow when instead of hanging out with Grammy, she gets to be introduced to daycare. I got to see how she interacted with them there on Friday though, and she'll do fine. She's such a joy to be around. When I get out of school tomorrow, if there is any umph left in me at all, I can go get her and Liam if I think I can manage them. We'll have to see how much umph is left in me at 3:30.

We'll see how things go tomorrow and if I have the energy to blog tomorrow! Peace.

Aaaaaakkkkkk!

I've apparently lost my eyeglasses. I have my sunglasses, but that makes the world dark. They also are only bifocals, not trifocals. I know where I had them last. They just aren't there. I guess I'm getting new glasses. Yikes, it takes a while to make my trifocals too. It took three FULL weeks last time. Sigh. This is not good.

FLASH UPDATE: Jenn found my eyeglasses and saved me about $400!! Thank goodness!

Derrick, whatever you think I've done, I'm not smart enough to do what you appear to be suggesting. Someone else messed with your computer; not me. Call me so we can straighten things out. Love you.

It's Fall

It may only be August 1st, but it's fall now. I go back to work on Monday and on Friday the kids start their fall semester. I went over to the high school today to take care of some business and get my "Sony Money." We teachers are given $100 to buy school supplies with on the tax free weekend. It's nice. I appreciate the money. Sigh, it is also, however, a complication to get it spent and on worthwhile things, in a hurry. You don't really get to buy things that you might want the most. Oh well. Thanks Sony. It's probably the only thing you do that I think is worthwhile. I am so NOT a fan of our governor.

Jewel goes to a different place on Monday to be cared for, and so do I. It's a bit of a commencement of sorts for me, in that I'm starting my life again, after it de-railed last year. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. 366 days ago I was well. In the next 24 hours my life would change forever. In the last year my body has been fundamentally changed. My peace of mind this last year has been forever stolen. My confidence has been altered along with my body. "Do I look ok? Is anything showing? Is my clothing adjusted properly? Are my prosthetics where they're supposed to be? Are they still where they're supposed to be? Does my pain or discomfort show? Can I do what I've got to do today? Am I ok?" And those thoughts go through my mind like every other minute. Close friends and family get to see a bit more of the anxiety, less of the "window dressing" and more of me without makeup or prosthetics. But ultimately I'm not comfortable with myself yet. I'm not sure I ever will be, but I hope I will. It's going to take a while to get used to the "revised" me. I'm still startled by my short, short, short hair. I haven't had hair this short since I was an infant! It is not ME that I see in the mirror yet. My curved, caved-in chest that no longer has that full, feminine set of "headlights" -- who does that belong to? My fat ass is shrinking as I work on eating more healthy. Twenty-five pounds of my ass is no longer there, so I really am continuing to change my body. Nothing is like it used to be. Who you see today, is not the ME that I have been. I don't have confidence in who this person is; I want to slid back into myself again, but I don't think that can ever happen. That ME is gone. This ME is ...someone I don't know or feel comfortable with yet. Boo, hoo. Get with the program and just get on with life. Well, I think I am, but that doesn't mean I feel right about it. The skin I'm in has literally had some significant changes this last year.

I see lots of positive and good things. I'm happy to be alive. I do not regret any of my decisions. I'm just getting used to a different self than the one I had grown into over time. So, be gentle with me a bit longer. I need a little longer to get used to this particular incarnation of myself. I admit to being a bit unnerved to go before the 9th grade students and their particular brand of cruelty. My backbone isn't as evident as it used to be. I have stage fright. Gotta sleep now. Definitely have to sleep now.

Cancer Support Group

Tuesday night I went to the Breast Cancer Support Group. My fun fact to know and tell for the day is that physicians are not required to do any kind of pro-bono work. Physicians are SUGGESTED to give 50 hours a year of service to the indigent. A physician CAN refuse to see any patient, for example patients who are Medicare or Medicaid only. Patients who are Medicaid are considered indigent (duh!).

What this means is that if you are below 65 and poor and using Medicaid because you're disabled, you cant find physicians who will treat you. In our area of western Georgia, there is not one surgeon that will see a Medicaid patient. What this means is that if you are suffering and need surgery, you're screwed. In fact, you can die looking for a surgeon who would take your case.

There are a lot of folks who think we have the best medical system in the world. I tend to think that we're only great if we take care of the most fragile among us. So how we treat children (Our governor stopped providing children with prosthetics. If you were born with one leg, the State of Georgia will not provide you with a prosthetic one.) and how we treat the poor (The State of Georgia is allowing people to die, rather than ensure they get simple tests, minimal medical treatment, or appropriate mental health care.) and the elderly (Just try getting on the waiting list for elder services! You have to wait -- sometimes years -- for someone to die in order to get Meals on Wheels, or other elder services.). That sure says a lot about who our lawmakers think are important / worthy of treatment. Consider these kinds of things when you vote.

Monday I go back to work for the first time since September 19th. I've gotten a preview of what retirement might be like and I have to say I LIKE IT. But given that if I don't work, I probably get to live under a bridge, I guess I'll go back to work on Monday. Six more years until I get to do the real retirement thing.

I hope you and those you love are well this evening.

The Power of One, or Two or Three

In our pre-internet world, it was easy to feel isolated and like nothing we did influenced other people, or that MY life, my puny life didn't make a difference. I certainly have felt isolated and useless and like no one would care one way or the other if I died or not. I had a dark pit that I fell into and that is how I felt in my really depressed days. I think folks who don't get out much or can't get out, probably do feel that way. Depression and isolation make it very easy to feel that your life just doesn't touch other people at all, and that no one would miss you or care if you left this world.

The power of this blog has been that I have gotten to see in a very special way the power of how my life and my family's life has touched other people. It amazes me how many people read this blog. People I've never met! People who wring something out of my life adventures, and who care for and about me in ways that I know and probably don't know. I am totally amazed by the people who write me, support me in countless ways -- through e-mails, prayers, phone calls, cards, goodies, books, all sorts of things (known and probably unknown). I have gotten cynical and sarcastic over the years, and yet in the last year I have seen, over and over, the good side of people. I see the most kind and astonishingly giving things done and it renews my spirit in humankind.

I see more than ever, that we are a web of people who ARE caring, and ARE giving and ARE spiritual and ARE generous. I have been the recipient of so much generous spirit....so much. My heart overflows from the generosity of spirit that has come into my life as a result of the people I interact with in the cyberworld and face-to-face. There are awful things happening in the world, but fundamentally, people are good. People are doing the best they can and are at their core caring and generous. Of course we all know exceptions to that, but I have been struck by the goodness and kindness in the world. In ways I could never expect, people have touched my life with goodness and generosity. It is humbling. It makes me want to be a better person. Remind me of this when I forget.

Heart Warming

I sent some fund-raising e-mails out yesterday and the results just warm my heart! Every penny donated is appreciated. I know not everyone has the ablity to make even a tiny donation, and their prayers and good thoughts are just as treasured. What touched me, in particular, was one person who took the idea and passed it along to her address book. It made the circle of people who were touched by e-mail even larger than I would have imagined, and her letter made me feel cherished in a way that I think only happens when you are a child in your mom/dad's lap -- somthing us grownups don't get to feel often.

I rested today and just allowed myself to relax a bit -- really the first day since my last surgery on Wednesday. As the swelling goes down a bit, I get more excited that this surgery will help me out and be more comfortable as time goes by.

I read like a fiend today and am about to finish a book I confiscated from Jenn and Eric's bonus room last week. I already have a new book lined up to go when I finish this one. I am glad that I've recaptured my love of reading. It bothers me a bit that I no longer remember titles and authors like I used to, but I can enjoy the story and that's a pleasure after so many years of not really reading. It seems that when I got out of graduate school, I had read myself out and just couldn't bring myself to read much -- even for pleasure. That was a deep loss. Now I've revived it and enjoy speeding through books again. My memory has been clouded somehow by either chemo or being put to sleep so many times recently (or both). So, I'm not as quick as I used to be about rmembering plots or authors. It'll just have to do. The oncologist said it could take up to a year for the toxic effects of the chemo to work their way out of my system. So, maybe, I'll be back to myself. If not, I'm happy to be alive and doing as well as I am. I can accept that I may have lost a little in this battle, but gained my life.

Thanks to all who have e-mailed me or sent a donation to http://jenny3day.info/. Your kindheartedness is so refreshing. Blessings to all of you.

Fund Raising

I've been surfing the web and looking at things we could perhaps make (at smaller cost) and sell for profit to make funds for the 3-Day. I've looked at things like mailbox covers, lotion, and room deodorizers. What concerns me is that in another few weeks, kids will be fanning out over all the South selling everything from cookie dough to wrapping paper. I'm thinking that even though my personal preference is to give people an opportunity to buy something, it's probably better to just plain ask for a donation.

I'm thinking maybe we need to contact Wal-mart and see if they will allow us to solicit in a similar way to the Girl Scout cookie drive or those seeking homes for their puppies. Jenn is thinking we need to do a spaghetti supper. I think we can do both. Of course the method most commonly recommended is to e-mail everyone you've EVER known with information on how to do a donation. There is a link off my blog and many of my kind readers have already made generous donations. However, I alert you now that I'm likely to send everyone I ever knew an e-mail and be pretty overt about soliciting your help in fund raising. Go here. You are certainly welcome to go by and leave a donation of any size. Every dollar raised is a dollar I consider that is given to the research to find the cure for me, and the many women of sisterhood who come behind me. I recorded a special message yesterday at the event we went to, and it should come to me soon as e-mail. In it I say, that every dollar given is just as much for me, as it is for all the women who came before me and who come after me. I used the word "affliction," in my short spot and I kind of cringed inwardly at the use of that word. Somehow it seems archaic, like I'm talking about The Plague or Polio or something. Yet, upon reflection, breast cancer has definitely been an afliction in my life. It has meant pain, it has revised my body, it has stolen my peace of mind, it has created anxiety about the future, it has caused me great discomfort during treatment. Breast cancer has changed my whole life, and some of my anxiety revolves around the concept that it may well have been the diagnosis that will lead to my death. You can't escape that as a possibility. My treatments were aggressive and I hope that I will live long enough to earn back all the money I've paid into Social Security over a lifetime! But I won't know that. I just have to live like it is so, until I'm told it isn't so.

I feel like I need to hook up my old computer and use the e-mail guide inside it to get e-mail addy's from years and years of connections for that e-mail solicitation. I hate to have to get back into the older, more cranky computer though. I do need to get some more pictures transferred to the new computer though.

Peace to you and those you love. Many thanks to all who have already given. Please get your friends, family and colleagues at work to go to Jenn's page and make even a $1 donation. All dollars help in the fight to find a cure. It's not a cure for something like polio. It's a cure for lots and lots of diseases. Breast cancer as we know now, comes in lots and lots of varieties. My kind is more resistant to treatment, but fortunately my cancer was caught early. There are at LEAST nine kinds of cancer with many, many treatment approaches that are customized to those various kinds of breast cancer. All women (and men) who are afflicted with this terrible disease need to know that science is fighting for our lives.

Preparation for 3-Day Walk

Today Jenn and Jewel and I went to a preparation event for the 3-Day. They had workshops on how to pack, what to bring, and how to dress properly. I met the lady who is in charge of CREW assignments, and she said she will e-mail me my assignment so I can know what I'll end up doing.

Jenn went to a workshop on raising funds to meet her donation goal. Jewel had a poop and she was "on-call" for work, and so she had to leave the workshop. Clearly, however, she has to get some ideas for money-making and get them cooking SOON. She has two sponsors lined up but clearly needs more assistance getting up the funds.

The walk is probably good for the emotional part of this issue, but ultimately is the cold, hard cash that is needed to develop the right treatments for this terrible disease. Doctors, oncology nurses, and patients know at a deep level, that current treatments though more advanced than ever, are still barbarically primitive. Some treatments seem more like Medieval torture than some kind of medical "treatment." Those sisters who come after me, deserve to have a treatment that (a) works more reliably, and (b) isn't so awful to endure in order to have a chance at life. Some of the monies also go to local hospitals and providers of services to those in treatment. For instance my local hospital wants to develop a correllary to "Cardiac Rehab" and have a Cancer Rehab area. Exercise for those undergoing chemotherapy has to be modified. Many people undergoing treatment may also have a lot of self-consciousness about appearance, scars, lack of hair, lack of body parts, or radiation burns. A safe place to be engaged in positive re-building of the body sounds like a wonderful goal locally. I hope their proposal to Susan G. Komen will be funded.

Neither Jenn, nor I are smart about fund-raising. Anyone that has experience in how to go about doing this efficiently and effectively, we're open to ideas! PLEASE give us ideas!

Wow, About 8 inches!

OK, a shower and removal of the bandage have revealed about an 8-inch incision. Yipes. Jewel and I hung out yesterday and today. Fortunately she is such a total pleasure to be with, AND equally fortunately my incision isn't interfering with my range of movement of my right arm. We had a fun time yesterday, and today after mom and dad came home, Nancy and I went out to see "Mamma Mia!" It was really fun, and poor Pierce Brosnan can't sing worth a crap, but the yucks just kept on coming. Glad to get home and rest for a bit. Jenn and I are going to a 3-day event tomorrow in downtown Atlanta. Right now, though, I'm happy to take a pain pill and fall out for a bit. My eyes need to close for a while. Peace to you and those you love.

Surgery

Yesterday was a bit upsetting for a variety of reasons. Jenn and Jewel are a package deal since Jewel is still almost completely breast fed. At Crawford Long yesterday, they said Jenn could not be with me in the pre-op area or for recovery because she had a child with her. It hasn't been a problem in the past, but evidently is now. It was a little nerve wracking to have to put on my big girl panties and do everything alone. I know it bothered Jenn a lot to just look up at a TV in the waiting room and see if I was in pre-op, op or post-op. It looked like the arrivals and departures board at the airport.

The plastic surgeon that I consulted to do the surgery sent his colleague to meet with me. He never saw me the day of the surgery, and I suspect that this "resident" physician or some doc-in-training did the surgery while he just looked on. I don't remember him EVER saying, well I'm just going to stand around and watch while someone else logs some operating hours on you for training purposes. That seems like something he might have mentioned.

BUT the anesthesiology people were awesome, truly awesome yesterday and they had me awake and alert very shortly after the surgery. Much better than other operations in the past. No nausea. The excision area seems a little tight and hurts some, but not really awfully bad. I took meds for pain all day yesterday, but since Jewel and I are hanging out today, I'm going to try and do nothing more strong than some Advil or Tylenol so that I have as much brain power as possible and am not laying on the couch drooling while I'm supposed to be keeping her. I haven't seen the spot of the surgery yet. When Jenn gets home tonight I will get her to take the bandaging off. I'm just going to live in an optimistic way until and unless I hear any information to the reverse.

We were home by 11 am yesterday, I think. Much better at getting me in and out quickly than other procedures I've endured this last year. I was thankful that Jenn and Jewel were not spending the WHOLE day at the hospital with me. I went to bed as soon as we got to her house. She fed me and kept me company some, but I was pretty much a mental miniature yesterday because of the effects of the meds.

Gosh alive! I sure am glad this application has a spell-checker! Am doing OK, and expect to be home at my house tonight. A friend of Betty's is coming to help me keep Jewel tomorrow. That's going to be nice. Well, I'm going to look for the Advil now.

Hope you and yours are doing well. Peace.

More Pix and Losing An Annoyance Tomorrow

While on the island near Cozumel, we went to this set of Mayan ruins. They were way cool (although we were in the jungle and it was hot, hot, hot and muggy). Three to four-thousand years old they are literally carved out of the jungle. We saw men with machete's cutting back the jungle to keep it from encroaching on it yet again.

This road the Mayans made through the jungle is rough, but still endures.

This guy/gal was about two feet long and fortunately more scared of us, than we were of him.

The dirt here is very dark and very fine. They provide you with a faucet to wash your feet, and believe me they need it!

This lovely carving was at the end of the walking tour.

Yes, they really do towel "animals" on the ship. This was my favorite.

Must be at Crawford Long tomorrow at 6:30 am for check-in. Surgery is supposed to take place around 8:30, I think. The plastic surgeon is going to flatten out a scar from my right side mastectomy. It has a lot of very angry nerve endings in it. I hope he will remove them so that they won't hurt anymore. The excess tissue will be removed too and that will make it easier for me to wear my prosthetic breasts without problems. God bless Jenn and Eric for taking me in yet again for recovery, and bless Nancy for helping out on Friday! The generous spirit of folks to help me out is very, very appreciated.

Will check back in on the blog as soon as it's feasible. I don't know how much I'll feel like moving (or not moving) my right arm for the next few days.

Hope you and yours had a good day today!

More Cruise Photos

This is our ship at anchor at the Grand Cayman Island. We had to go to land via a "tender" boat that would come up and offload about 150 people at a time and take us to the dock. It adds a good bit of time to the whole process of going ashore.

This is the saphire blue of the ocean. I've never been so far out in the ocean to see it before. It's a fantastic sight. One morning Eric and I saw some porpoises escorting the ship and it was awesome.

My beautiful daughter collects images of mermaids. In this underwater picture she has become one. She looks so serene and beautiful in this picture. I feel like I'm looking at an angel when I see this picture. She has surely been an angel to me and will be again on Wednesday when I go for one more procedure (a scar revision). It appears it was a good thing she decided to be a nurse, because yet again, I'm indebeted to her and her sweet hubby for their nursing care to come. 6:30 am we have to be at Crawford Long. Yuck.

Worry

For various reasons, my body declined to sleep Sunday night. I tried calling my brother, yet again. It appears he is angry at me about something because he continues to refuse my calls. But until he tells me what he's upset about, I can't apologize or feel guilty or anything. He's the only one that knows why he's upset and he won't share it. He doesn't read this blog, he won't take my calls. I've sent him several e-mails........what am I supposed to do? Well, here I am getting ready to be put to sleep in another couple days, and I always figure that is a time when accidents can happen. I don't like the chance for me to leave this world without him and I figuring out a way around this issue. But, I came to an understanding tonight that is really important. I tossed and turned and turned and tossed and thought and worried and worried some more about all this. And then.......I came to the place in my mind where I finally said to myself, "I believe that one of the reasons I got breast cancer is because of all the incredible stress in my life. I really believe that worrying contributed to me getting it. I'm not going to worry like this anymore." My 46 year old brother is in charge of his anger. If he can't figure out that I'm not telepathic at this point in his life, that really is HIS problem. I am going to try to stop worrying about it. I do not have control over much of anything, but definitely not over what he thinks and why, so....I'm going to try to stop worrying about it. It's a bad feeling though, knowing that somehow, someway I've "stepped into the doo doo" and I don't even know when or how. I sort of thought that he and I have been able to work around polar opposites of politics, very different viewpoints in religion, and the differences of him and I being from two generations with 10 years between us. But, apparently not. It makes me very, very sad. And, as you see here, it makes me worry with it....ponder it, pull and push at it like it's a boil on my body that I can't keep my hands off of it. It's there and I can't keep from thinking about it and picking at it in my mind, wondering, "WTF?!" Love is too, too important to let the crap of life get in the way of plowing our way through it. Love is what we use to hold ourselves up, when there's nothing left inside us to have a reason for not falling down. Love is too precious, and too rare in this life. You and I have to work at this business of being human and fallible and humble. When he's ready to let loose with both barrels, I'm ready to hear it. In fact, I'll just go on record, here, saying, "I'm sorry." Don't know right now what about, but whatever it is, it's not more important than brother / sister love. So, whatever it is, I apologize.

Life is complicated. Worry is a choice. I'm not inviting cancer back into my life. I'm going to try to put this down and not worry about it anymore, but it's hard.

A Few Pix From The Cruise

This is Jenn (the top of Jewel's head), her father in law - Randy, and the little fellow up high (on his daddy's shoulders) is Liam. The first day before we can leave port, we have to have a life boat drill. We would be in lifeboat 22 if there were a disaster. It was hot, humid (it burst out raining shortly after this) and two teen boys behind us were WHINING about the whole event. I wanted desperately to turn around and beg them to grow some, but I thought it would be bad form since we were doing an emergency drill, and I didn't want my daughter to disown me.


This is Jewel and I on the Grand Cayman island. I thought we did pretty well.

This is a sunset that I captured. I think it turned out pretty good. I never did capture a sunrise, because I never managed to get up early enough and get dressed and out before sunrise. It was after all.....a vacation.

3-Day Adventure -- Part II

Yesterday morning was a bit muddled because the notice about the practice walk indicated the time to meet would be 8 AM CENTRAL Standard Time. We showed up a little after 8 just in case anyone was there and the notice was wrong about the time. It's not uncommon, this close to Alabama, to have time indicated to be CST. So, no one there at 8, we went to breakfast and came back at 8 CST. Well, there were three walkers there and they were finishing up! So, we had a total of 5 show up on Saturday and we exchanged e-mail addy's and decided that starting in August we'd meet every Saturday morning at 8AM EASTERN Standard Time in order to get ready for the 3-Day.

It turns out that the Bremen walking circuit is 0.75 mi around, so 9 circuits is 6 miles. When you look at it that way, it doesn't seem quite as super challenging. 9 circuits doesn't seem as long as 6 miles. Crazy, I know, but that's how I see it anyway.

Afterwards we went to an outdoor festival in Rockmart and I got a really cool sea grass basket for $35. If I'd bought it in Charleston, it would have been $135, but in Rockmart it was $35. It's really lovely too.

Hope you and yours had a good day.

3-Day Adventures

I got prompted by the 3-day people to fill out a medical form. You can't do anything for them (Walk or Crew) unless you've given them your medical history -- which is a little on the extensive side for me. So, I was messing around on my participant page and thought I'd look for any "practice" walk stuff going on, though I was doubtful there'd be anything close to us out here in FAR WEST NOWHERE GEORGIA. So I ran the search and SURPRISE (really!) there was a practice walk about 3/4ths of a mile from my townhome! Wowzers! So, this Saturday (tomorrow), Jenn and I are going to go do this event. I'm not real motivated to even begin to think I'll walk the six whole miles, but I will walk what I feel up to, and that's fine. Here's is the information which totally surprised me!



After we do this we're running up to Rockmart for a cool craft fair. I'm looking forward to both efforts. I think it'll be fun. So.....hiking boots or regular shoes? Hummmmmm.

Projects

Here's me taking a picture of me at that cool beach in Cozumel. As you can see, my hair is now long enough to be carried into the wind, and there was a lot of wind there. It felt wonderful because it was in the high 80's (maybe low 90's) and the wind made it feel wonderful; not hot. Only 6 days ago. Sigh.

A dear friend sent me the special tote provided by The Lydia Project when I was in the middle of my treatment. It was a lovely present that came to me when I was weak. My tote was titled "Faith." At the time I had a lot and a little, swinging back and forth between the two extremes like a schizophrenic on crack. It was very affirming. I use it now to carry all my art supplies for sketching, and when I see it, a smile always comes to my face. Our little support group that meets the last Tuesday of the month is going to start making and stuffing pillows to be used to cushion seat belts across the chest. Nothing so grand as The Lydia Project, but it's our way to speak to the needs in our community.

Jewel and I hung out together today and she was in a delightful mood. Yeah! The best news, however, was that my health insurance that had gotten muddled up due to the end of the school year, has been re-instated. Pretty good news as I (a) need to refill some expensive meds, and (b) am scheduled for a new procedure next week! Close call there! All is well now though.

I am looking forward to tomorrow because I am (a) childless, (b) hoping to be decadent and rest some, (c) want to get my suitcases back to their places, as in unpacked!, (d) need to go grocery shopping, and (e) need to do a water exchange for the fish. The cats annoyed me tonight until they had litter changed, fresh food and water, and if Romeo keeps annoying me, his life expectancy could go down! Nahhhh, he's my favorite cat, but he also knows how to REALLY drive me up a wall when he wants to.

The Rome Street Gallery in Carrollton, where I get art supplies and take some of my art lessons, is doing a cool project to raise money for the Carroll County Soup Kitchen. The Gallery is selling small packets of what are called "Artist Trading Cards." For $2.49 you can buy a packet of the cards and make miniature art projects. At the end of August they are going to COVER the walls of the gallery with all the cards turned in, and on 9/11/08 (no, it's not a coincidence) they will host a showing of the works. For $10 each piece bought, you can own a piece of art that someone did in pencil, chalk, acrylic, oil or other medium. I'm not sure anyone would want to buy one of my original pieces, but I suspect lots of moms and dads will buy student works, and there are some very good artists that will have their special works bid for via a silent auction. The Soup Kitchen needs an infusion of funds right now as so many are turning to it due to the Recession. I think this is a clever way to commemorate an awful date, but use the funds for positive and present needs.

Pre-ops

This is a photo from Cozumel. It was stunningly beautiful. We stopped for a photo here and then went swimming at a beautiful beach just down the road from here. I'm still looking for the other memory card. Once I find it (there are only 2 suitcases!) I'll post something more.

I went to Crawford Long today to do my pre-ops. I'm having a revision of one of the scars from one side of my mastectomies. On one side (right) I have a sensitive area of scar tissue that over the last several months has proved to be uncomfortable, consistently chaffed by my prosthetics bra, and generally hurts most of the time. We petitioned the insurance company (the plastic surgeon's office did that) to have a revision of the scar to remove nerve tissue (if the nerves aren't there, they can't hurt) and to flatten the area more so it doesn't bulge and cause so much trouble around the bra. I'm not excited about the prospect of another opportunity for someone to approach me with a scalpel, but I'm glad it could be squished in before school starts. I hope like heck that I can wear my prosthetics by the time school starts! Don't want to face the 9th grade horrors without boobs!

I got a forsythia bush at the Home Depot garden center that I like to visit, on the way home. I've been wanting some forsythia for a while. I tried to get some from freecycle but it didn't work out. So, I just bought one. I'm also trying to root some crepe myrtle. I don't know if I can. So far everything I've tried to root has died, but I keep trying. Ever since I've been under treatment, I want green things growing around me. Somehow it's an important affirmation.

Hope the adoption hearing that my friends A & R had today in Russia went well and that they'll soon be bringing home a 12-yo son to love. I've thought of them many times today. It'll be a huge change for the young man and A & R! Imagine starting school in small town America and not speaking the language at all. He's going to learn a LOT by immersion.



Feel well soon Randy. :(

Bushed but Back

Tired, tired, tired after a full day of travel. We were held hostage by the weather and ended up spending the whole of Sunday in the Ft. Lauderdale airport waiting for Atlanta's airport to re-open after harsh weather. I heard today that Atlanta got 2-1/2 inches of rain, which was more than we've gotten total since the beginning of the year. Glad that AirTran opted to wait until we didn't have to fly through that stuff.

The cruise was interesting, fun, irritating and glorious, but not at the same time. I have hundreds of pictures and will post some when I've caught up on sleep some.

I see the oncologist for my six month check-up later today and go for pre-operative testing on Wednesday. I'm going to have a scar revision done surgically next week.

Busy, busy week. I'll try to get some stuff posted soon.

Wheeeeee!!!

The suitcases are packed and in the van. I've done a water exchange for the fish. The cats have clean litter. I'm going to shave my legs and go to bed shortly after that. The alarm is set for 4:25 AM. I just have to jump into my clothes and leave. That's it. The house sitter has a key. The cats have food. If I can just make it through this cold without contaminating everyone else, AND without feeling like I want to die, it'll be great. But if not, I can feel miserable on a ship in the Carribbean just as easily as I can here at home.

I'll post when and if possible, but most likely sometime after I return on the 13th. I'm taking the camera, and extra memory card and plan to take lots and lots of pix. I'm SO excited.

You all have a great week without me. I'll be drinking a few virgin drinks (not much alcohol allowed once you've had pancreatitus), trying not to gain too many of the pounds I've "lost" back, and generally being a bum on a ship with 2,600 other people. I want to see the shows. I want to see the ocean and not see the land. I want to win the lotto too, but ...... So anyway, you all have a nice week. Kari and Chrissy, call your g'ma a couple times this week and just chat her up a bit. She may or may not remember that most of her family is away, but I'd just feel better if you checked in on her. I'll check my cell phone messages once a day. Probably won't be able to do anything about anything, but I'll check the cell anyway. Just in case.

Night all.

It's Getting Closer

OK, my toes are now acceptable in the company of other people than Bremenites.

I've even buffed the callouses off my heels. I have everything from a sewing kit, to Immodium, camera, Geocaching information, my GPSr, flashlight, night clothes, shorts, tops, my prosthetic boobs, batteries, fun stuff for Liam, my Rx drugs, even some huge zip ties to close my small suitcase. I have extra baggies, nightlights, whiteboards for our doors, an alarm clock and various and sundry other items that may or may not be important.

My house has been cleaned by my domestic goddess so I'll come home to a nice, clean house.

Wonder how I could find other geocachers on board? I bet there will be some. You can't get 2,600 people together and not have a few. I've been struggling trying, trying, trying to load the damn waypoints into my GPSr and I'm too dang stupid. It makes me so MAD. There's only about 40 waypoints; 50 at the most that might that I need to input into the GPS receiver (GPSr), but I sure would like to load them from the computer and not by hand. Grrrrr.

Someone today noticed that I'd been losing weight! Coolies. When I had boobs, that was the first place I'd lose weight. Now that I don't have boobs, it appears that there's less of my a** appearing! That's GREAT!

MD Anderson sent me a BILL for my damn copies of my pathology report. I sent them $5 in cash when I sent them the release of damn information form. So of course the bill was for $6.38. Maybe by the time I get back from my cruise there will be my pathology report! I hope someone in Houston enjoys my damn $5 that I sent in trust that it would be used for copying charges. Grrrrr. At this point I have really bad feelings toward MDA. I'm up to the ES&D stage with their administrative procedures. They may have great docs, but the administrators are demonstrating a kind of stupid-drone mind-set that makes me a little nuts.

Hope you and all you love are well. I'm signing off to go see if I can get those waypoints into the GPSr for a while longer.