Monday, July 21, 2008


For various reasons, my body declined to sleep Sunday night. I tried calling my brother, yet again. It appears he is angry at me about something because he continues to refuse my calls. But until he tells me what he's upset about, I can't apologize or feel guilty or anything. He's the only one that knows why he's upset and he won't share it. He doesn't read this blog, he won't take my calls. I've sent him several e-mails........what am I supposed to do? Well, here I am getting ready to be put to sleep in another couple days, and I always figure that is a time when accidents can happen. I don't like the chance for me to leave this world without him and I figuring out a way around this issue. But, I came to an understanding tonight that is really important. I tossed and turned and turned and tossed and thought and worried and worried some more about all this. And then.......I came to the place in my mind where I finally said to myself, "I believe that one of the reasons I got breast cancer is because of all the incredible stress in my life. I really believe that worrying contributed to me getting it. I'm not going to worry like this anymore." My 46 year old brother is in charge of his anger. If he can't figure out that I'm not telepathic at this point in his life, that really is HIS problem. I am going to try to stop worrying about it. I do not have control over much of anything, but definitely not over what he thinks and why, so....I'm going to try to stop worrying about it. It's a bad feeling though, knowing that somehow, someway I've "stepped into the doo doo" and I don't even know when or how. I sort of thought that he and I have been able to work around polar opposites of politics, very different viewpoints in religion, and the differences of him and I being from two generations with 10 years between us. But, apparently not. It makes me very, very sad. And, as you see here, it makes me worry with it....ponder it, pull and push at it like it's a boil on my body that I can't keep my hands off of it. It's there and I can't keep from thinking about it and picking at it in my mind, wondering, "WTF?!" Love is too, too important to let the crap of life get in the way of plowing our way through it. Love is what we use to hold ourselves up, when there's nothing left inside us to have a reason for not falling down. Love is too precious, and too rare in this life. You and I have to work at this business of being human and fallible and humble. When he's ready to let loose with both barrels, I'm ready to hear it. In fact, I'll just go on record, here, saying, "I'm sorry." Don't know right now what about, but whatever it is, it's not more important than brother / sister love. So, whatever it is, I apologize.

Life is complicated. Worry is a choice. I'm not inviting cancer back into my life. I'm going to try to put this down and not worry about it anymore, but it's hard.


Amber said...

I've had to do the same thing so many times, and I really do understand your pain on this. I've found that it's like smoking - wasn't it Mark Twain that basically remarked how easy it was to quit because he does it numerous times every day? It really is hard to not pick the worry back up and carry it with you. I'll be praying that you never pick it back up. I'll also be praying that your brother sees the light of day.
Much love,

Calypso said...

I was so surprised and so sad to read your entry today. Has this problem with your brother just popped up recently? Or has it been going on for a while?
In any case, I know how heartbreaking and frustrating it is not to know why a person you love all of a sudden stops communicating.
You already KNOW that the worry alone can eat you up. So try not to. Easier said than done, I know ..
But try...realize that this might not be about YOU, it's about HIM, he seems to have the problem. You obviously don't know what you did to make him mad at you, so it's probably not something you did or said.
You don't need this right now, and I am so sorry you are hurting.
Please know that people, your friends, be it real time or cyber friends, are thinking about you and wishing you the best with the surgery and all that.

Please try and stay positive, ride it out, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no, it's not an oncoming train! :>)
Smile Joann!

dgray1130 said...

This I truly do understand Ann. I too feel the same way about my older brother. I have appologized to him numerous times, but he just can't put his finger on what it is I've done either. I think it has to do with his feelings about Mom not me. But, like you the stress of continueously worring is not helping my body nor your. Please try and let it go. I am. Gonna try anyway. It does hurt. And if for some reason the Lord saw fit to call me home, I wouldn't want to leave it like this. But, I too have tryed everything I know to do. Now let go, and let God. I love you. Diane