We left here at 6am, and zoomed up to n. Atlanta. My surgeon has new offices and they are very nice. A big improvement for patients over the last office. Every trip up there takes about 1.5 hours and every time we go, I think, "Jewel will go into nuclear meltdown and we'll never make it because the girl will just not be able to handle the long trip." She was awake and played with little dangley toys but was a perfect jewel on the trip up there. Like so many before. I was anxious enough about this procedure that I broke down and took a bit of a xanex to let me relax a bit, and it seemed to help. I wasn't crying about it so much today as I was last night.
They took me in to ultrasound to make sure I REALLY did have fluid that really needed to be drained. Amazingly, I did. The tech asked me if I wanted the fluid drained? Well, yeah, that's why we just got up before the crack of dawn and drove for 1.5 hours! But I was nice and just nodded "Yes."
The doc was nice and she took off a LOT of fluid. Jenn looked a little green around the gills from watching the proceedings. If the fluid continues to build in this way, she may have to put in some kind of nasty packing that Jenn would have to tend to. (A) I'm not wild about further surgery to put in the packing, and (B) I'm not wild about more pain and probably some really yucky stuff that will need nursing skills to tend to it. So, we're all going to think positive about the fluid not building back up again! They joked in the surgeon's office today, "We've voted and the next time if you come back, we're assigning you a parking space." Evidently I'm a high maintenance surgical patient. But, I have to be realistic that I'm high maintenance as a surgical patient because I'm fat, and the doc and I agreed that if I could have figured out how to fix my problem I'd have done it years ago, and if she had the solution to it, she'd be RICH! She's a very gracious and cheerful lady (my surgeon). She did tell me that she wouldn't be there next week, but if I need to get attention there would be folks there to help me out. Glad I took the xanex. It was a protracted procedure. I was able to remain cool (I thought--maybe Jenn or the doc would have a different viewpoint.).
We left the doc office and did a couple other errands. Jenn got some very cutie clothes for Jewel at a Buckhead consignment store with upscale clothing at reasonable prices. Then we went to a spot over by Georgia Tech and found a nice "nused" jogging stroller that Jenn can use with Jewel as she does her walking program.
Then we rushed back so I could get to the BOE and take care of some business. MADE IT there in the nick of time!
I was exhausted by the time we got back, and I sat down to watch TV and woke up about 6PM.
I'm working hard to pick my grumpy self and get my attitude back up. I know that things "Come to pass, they don't come to stay," BUT this passing is a bit like getting rid of a kidney stone. It's not an easy passing.
I'm going to try and see if I can do some drawing practice over the weekend. I'm wearing my dreaded binder to try and stop the dang fluid from collecting. It's exhausting for me to ride up to n. Atlanta. I'm going to try really hard to do all I can to avoid fluid build-up, but to a degree I'm at the mercy of my body.
I put a pot pie in the microwave and I'm going to eat. I'm going to put my nightie on shortly and lay on my nice warm bed. With luck, prayer and the dedicated use of the binder, maybe I can avoid another trip to n. Atlanta. OK, I'm working on getting myself up out of the pit of depression, but I think it's mostly a combination of getting over general anesthesia, a completely new body profile, loss of 8.5 lbs of very important and up-front flesh, and the on-going fatigue that continues after chemo. They told me it would take 3 to 12 months to get back to myself, and I'm wanting to be back to myself in less than 2 months. So it should be no surprise that I'm not there yet! I'll allow myself a little while for a pity party, but I won't wallow here. If I didn't have some kind of reaction to all the physical changes and recent medical intervention, I'd be made of stronger stuff than the average Jane, and I'm not. I have the right to mope for a little while.
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You ARE made of stronger stuff than the average Jane... the problem is that you are Super Joann recovering from chemo, surgery, important body changes, major illness, minor recurring illness, etc. Even Superman had cryptonite, honey.
If you feel the need to be cheered up, look for the small blessings like the smile on Jewel's face, Romeo's purr when he rubs against your leg, that sort of thing.
Above all else, know that it's okay to feel bad, even depressed. It makes us human. You just gotta' roll with the punches. It will get better. We just can't see the future because the present is so in our face!
Many blessings,
Amber
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