Monday, November 05, 2007

Living an In-authentic Life

I have taken more Psychology courses than anyone ought to have, and so I'm one of those strange people that actually want to remember and ponder their dreams. I only slept for about an hour this morning from 5 to 6 am, but during that time I had a long, protracted dream that was extremely disturbing in content. A dream that was menacing and acidic and made me reach back in time, almost 30 years, to find a corollary to find similar feelings.

After rolling it around in my mind and a few other people's minds for the day, I've (I think.) finally unravelled a ball of emotional yarn that reaches down to the core of who I am. The circumstances of the dream are irrelevant, the story the dream tells me is very important.

I've lived a very self-reliant life. I've made myself be independent of others as much as is feasible. I made a path for myself that clearly did not wish to impose or "burden" others. I don't care to be viewed as complaining, dependent, weak or hypochondriachial (My mother's life pattern.). In defining myself so distinctly, I didn't take cancer into the picture of who I am presently. I try to be independent, but I can't. I try not to whine or complain, but the reality is that much of my present biological and emotional feelings are centered on some pretty unpleasant realities. I don't wish to be viewed as hypochondriachial, but in point of fact, I have some very demanding medical needs that while real, echo the unreal of my primary caregiver. I have raised a facade that shows the world, "I'm doing ok -- or as ok as I can." The reality is not as tidy. I want to whine sometimes. I am sick a LOT. I do need help and can't be independent. I am clearly out of my emotional waters and my psyche jerked me back with a dream to make me see how inauthentic I am living right now. I may not like my circumstances, but I do need to live with them. I may not feel comfortable with the belief's and feelings that I'm experiencing, but my dreams tell me I need an "attitude adjustment." I need to say more clearly what my needs and feelings are, even if they are things I don't particularly care or like about myself. My words and my life need to be congruent, and they haven't been.

I don't want to wear out my social network with whining, complaining or negative feedback, but I do think my dream is telling me to be more honest. I'd rather be more honest than immerse myself back into such a disturbing dream world. So if you're around me, get ready for some honesty instead of superficial feedback, the next time you ask, "How are you doing"?


Susan said...

Good luck on your authentic quest, it will be hard with your background of reliance, but it should also be better at this point in your life. It is okay to whine and ask for help, most folks like to help others, so take advantage!

Have a good day.

Ed said...

Thinking of you . . . .

Anonymous said...

It is about time you got real. I agree with Susan.