Living an In-authentic Life

I have taken more Psychology courses than anyone ought to have, and so I'm one of those strange people that actually want to remember and ponder their dreams. I only slept for about an hour this morning from 5 to 6 am, but during that time I had a long, protracted dream that was extremely disturbing in content. A dream that was menacing and acidic and made me reach back in time, almost 30 years, to find a corollary to find similar feelings.

After rolling it around in my mind and a few other people's minds for the day, I've (I think.) finally unravelled a ball of emotional yarn that reaches down to the core of who I am. The circumstances of the dream are irrelevant, the story the dream tells me is very important.

I've lived a very self-reliant life. I've made myself be independent of others as much as is feasible. I made a path for myself that clearly did not wish to impose or "burden" others. I don't care to be viewed as complaining, dependent, weak or hypochondriachial (My mother's life pattern.). In defining myself so distinctly, I didn't take cancer into the picture of who I am presently. I try to be independent, but I can't. I try not to whine or complain, but the reality is that much of my present biological and emotional feelings are centered on some pretty unpleasant realities. I don't wish to be viewed as hypochondriachial, but in point of fact, I have some very demanding medical needs that while real, echo the unreal of my primary caregiver. I have raised a facade that shows the world, "I'm doing ok -- or as ok as I can." The reality is not as tidy. I want to whine sometimes. I am sick a LOT. I do need help and can't be independent. I am clearly out of my emotional waters and my psyche jerked me back with a dream to make me see how inauthentic I am living right now. I may not like my circumstances, but I do need to live with them. I may not feel comfortable with the belief's and feelings that I'm experiencing, but my dreams tell me I need an "attitude adjustment." I need to say more clearly what my needs and feelings are, even if they are things I don't particularly care or like about myself. My words and my life need to be congruent, and they haven't been.

I don't want to wear out my social network with whining, complaining or negative feedback, but I do think my dream is telling me to be more honest. I'd rather be more honest than immerse myself back into such a disturbing dream world. So if you're around me, get ready for some honesty instead of superficial feedback, the next time you ask, "How are you doing"?