Thursday, August 23, 2007

Getting Real, Very Quickly

In the span of about an hour this morning arrangements were made for the heart test, the port to be put in and for me to have my second meeting with the oncologist.

Monday is when I have to be up at Northside to get my port put in. I'm pretty much a total CHICKEN, so I'm a little nervous about that.

Tuesday I see the oncologist and I suspect that will be when we decide what chemo cocktail will be the one for me, and that will give me info about length of treatment and form of treatment and drugs likely to be used.

Wednesday I go get the heart test to see how much they can beat up my body before my heart is likely to be overwhelmed.

The port makes it very, very real. This will be the first cut someone will make on me as a result of the cancer. I'm scared of hurting. I'm scared of these dang procedures they do under "sedation." I have such issues with sedation as an anesthesia. It's scary to me. Heck, I'm scared silly that they're going to put something into my AORTA!!!

August 2nd they say I have cancer and by August 27th I have my body prepared to get poisoned. Geezz, why can't the biopsy results from the second opinion come back??? I need to "psych" myself for whatever kind of treatment options they're going to do with me. I want them to KILL the cancer, just not me.

If you have a cancer story about your mother, friend, kid, former boss, dog or your hamster, please don't tell me about it. I have to find my own way through this story. It won't be the way your mother, friend, kid, former boss, dog or hampster did it. It will be my way. I may have to whine at times. I may have to be somewhat inconvenient at times. But I'll be doing it with the attitude that I'm a warrior woman seeking to kill the enemy within me. I know a warrior and he admitted to being scared. I think it's OK to be scared as long as I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving on the journey, no matter how confident, scary, or painful it becomes.

Want to know what a "port" is? Check out this site:

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