Resillience

First of all, if you have any interest in this topic, I recommend reading anything by Martin E. P. Seligman, especially his book Learned Optimisism. Dr. Seligman was doing research as an up and coming doc in the way back and he had to do experiments that he found distasteful. In fact he found them immoral, and he vowed that if he ever got anywhere he'd never experiment on animals again. What his experiments then led to was the idea of "learned helplessness." Learned helplessness occurs when dogs are tied and shocked with an unpleasant but not damaging shock. After a while the dogs would just lay down in their cages and submit to the inevitable. Then you could take the tops off the cages and the leashes off the dogs, so the dogs could jump out if they wanted, and they wouldn't because they thought they were helpless against the inevitable shock. So they had an escape, but just would lay down and take it. In case you haven't already figured this out, this is what happens to women in abusive relationships, many prisoners of war, and often children who are ritually abused.

Seligman spent a portion of his life focusing on remedies for Learned Helplessness and treatments. Then one day he turned things around and asked, "What are the qualities that resilient people have that make them able to get up one more time than they are knocked down?" He decided he could focus on Learned Optimism. And he's done a bunch of studies and found out a lot of interesting things.

So, how does one come out on the other side of child abuse or cancer or both and still have a positive attitude? Well, that presumes you have a positive attitude first. For those of you that don't know my mother was nuts and ritually abused me on a regular basis. If you're unbelieving for some reason, check my x-rays of my hands. There are over 40 broken bones in my hands. That has led to some interesting life experiences in the sense that I probably try to "control" things too much. Often I think I speak up too much, and other times, I'm too silent. I am uncertain who the real ME is, because I'm basically using "normal" people as a barometer for what I'm supposed to be like, and making an attempt to make myself like them. Of course that doesn't really work well as a life path. I have my demons and I have my flaws, but the likelihood of me being able to exorcise them at this point in my life is pretty dim, so I'm best off shaking hands and making friends with them. I try not to let my nuts-ness out to walk around too often, but it's there.

Now that I've been through the whole treatment for cancer experience, I have other daunting issues that push in on me and make life more interesting; more complex. I have known women during my treatment, that refused to get chemotherapy because they couldn't stand the idea of losing their self-image -- they chose to die prematurely because they couldn't lose their hair. I know women who won't be seen in public with their flat, double-mastectomy chests. I refuse to stop living, so me and my suddenly-so-visible BELLY go and do things like exercise without my prosthetics. (Summer heat and exercise are not compatible with prosthetics in my book.) There have been other medical issues that could have kept me down, but I kept going anyway. My injured left foot had me down for a long time, but after finding a fellow that can do custom orthotics for me, my feet, knees and hips have recovered a lot. I go hiking and walk beaches and do most anything I want to, and can depend on my left foot and leg to hold me up. For a while, that wasn't anything I could envision, but I kept looking for solutions, even when things seemed hopeless. I mean after YEARS of pain and difficulty and surgeries. I hope to crew on the 3-Day Walk and back before orthotics, that wouldn't have been an option.

So what does this have to do with resillience and Learned Optimism? I guess for me it means that while I may be pessimistic about what might come into my life, I have a strong sense that whatever it is, I can find a way through it. I found a way through a difficult, and what was a damaging childhood experience. I found a way through a debilitating injury to my left foot and even though it took years to get to a better place, I kept looking for answers until I found the right ones for me. I don't know yet if this is all that the cancer demon has in store for me. I can tell you that I've taken every possible step I can to ensure that I've done the maximum I can so that it is. However, you and I both know that cancer is sneeky. It may come back. I hope not, but until and unless it does, I'm LIVING. Until I stop breathing, I'm living

This stuff that people say I have called "courage" is nothing more than the need to preserve my Self. You just keep enduring until there isn't anything more to endure. Life is a marathon; a race that goes to the steady runner, not the swiftest. When you get to the other side of the hard part of the journey, you hope like all get-out that there's something good there. For me, the good was being a mom, being a grammy, getting to travel, being an instrument of change at different points in time, helping others know that there is "good" worth getting to the other side for. (Bad grammar, but you know what I mean.)

Plato observed many centuries ago, that it was important to "Be kind to everyone you meet, for they are all in a great struggle." My struggle is no bigger or different than your life struggle, but it's important to hold on and endure because the sweet moments are ever so much sweeter for the struggle. Look forward to the sweet moments, sometimes you are ambushed by what becomes that moment. I didn't expect having a child to be the warm, wonderful experience that it was. I sure didn't expect to fall in love so deeply with grandchildren. Each trip I've taken has had hidden treasures I couldn't have anticipated. And the list of unexpected dividends and sweet reward goes on. I'm sure I have more speedbumps in the road of life ahead of me, but the goal is the sweet joy of the unexpected.

First Day With Kiddies

I turned the alarm off this morning and woke up at 7:15. I'm supposed to be at work at 7:45 and I live 15 minutes from work when there's NO traffic. Needless to say, I got to work late. What a great start to the school year!

It was a race today to stay up with all the requirements, but I feel decent about having met my responsibilities once I got there. No more turning off the alarm without putting my feet on the floor!

Kids were good today, but there's always a "honeymoon" period. By Monday the goodness will wear thin, and by Tuesday, we'll have normal teens. So far our biggest class has 29 in it. It's shoulder to shoulder in there with 29.

I did a count today while we were talking about countries we've visited, and I've been to 11 countries! Canada, Mexico, France, England, Belgium, Switzerland, British West Indies, Bahama, Belize, Honduras, Luxembourg. Have a passport, will travel! Sometime before I croak, I'd like to see Northern Ireland, Prague, Costa Rica, Brazil, Argentina, Germany and if get to all those places, then I'll think about places in SE Asia, and even though it's really a part of the US, I want to see Alaska too.

It's interesting to me, and disappointing that so many students who have not been any farther than Alabama, don't want to travel, don't think there is anything to learn by traveling, and are harboring a lot of anger at people from other places who live here. They assume that all immigrants are illegal. A very poor generalization.

One of those palatial homes and businesses in Honduras. The toilet facilities were out back, and I think the bathwater is in the ocean. The woman in the "window" (sans glass) was preparing food. According to teens in Haralson County, all Latino's are Mexican, and I have no idea why anyone would want to leave here for America -- legally or illegally. Our taxi driver in Honduras said there was no reason to leave the island when the hurricanes came, because anyplace they'd fly you would be innundated by water too, so you might as well die at home. It was clear that this island had been very damaged by storms sometime recently. Food here has to be a whole different kind of thing. Nothing like a Publix or Ingles here. The astonishing thing I found was how starched and crisply white the school boy/girl shirts are, and everyone has a white shirt to go with their uniform pants and skirts. I suspect since mom/dad PAY good money to send their children to school that the students are a lot more polite and that horseplay would not be viewed well, either. Neither public nor private schools in these countries put up with students misbehaving. They just throw them out. But..........I digress.

The good news is that I think my hair is about one-inch in length now.

More good news: I got the teacher duty that I really like (really). Every three weeks it'll be my turn to direct traffic in the parking lot. I love telling people where to go. :)

I do have one duty that I really despise. I have to go in and do a "walk through" of the girls bathroom every morning. It is humiliating to have to do that, and it makes me really, really nervous that I'll end up in court someday trying to explain why I was in the student restrooms. Ick! Mostly what I learn is that next to no one washes their hands. Double and triple ICK!

Tomorrow I really can just sleep until I wake up on my own. Ahhhhh, the good life!

Motivation

We had a motivational speaker come today for a MANDITORY training. It ran from 8:30 to Noon. He was a really good speaker, but my gosh my butt was really screaming by the time it was done.

Got our classrolls today, and if they really hold at these numbers we'll have no more than 27 in a class, which would be a nice change from years previous where we had 32 in the class. Our room is too small for 32 plus two teachers.

Tomorrow is another late night at school. I don't have to go in until noon though. There will be a LOT more families and kids dropping by tomorrow night though.

I was a little stronger today, although I came very, very close to nodding off during that speaker for a moment this morning. People are interesting. Most are taking time to tell me they are glad to see me back. Some are wondering why they haven't seen me in a while (duh?), and then there are the ones that feel COMPELLED to tell me about anyone they have EVER known that had cancer of any description. Sigh. Please hand the latter folks a CLUE.

Must sleep now. Romeo, did you hear that? We both need to sleep. No spunky interruptions to the Sandman tonight at 2AM!

Open House

Tonight was open house at school (another one Thursday night) so we didn't have to report until noon today. The room got very dusty and grimy over the summer so we've been using 409 and some elbow grease to get the place spiffed up. The room looks nice and my case files have been found. I'm really, really tired tonight. I worked mostly on the computer today doing lesson plans, our course syllabus and getting ready for all the flurry of special education forms I'll have to send out.

The cleaning goddess came today so I have clean sheets, and a clean house.

Tomorrow our day starts out with a 4 hour faculty meeting. Can I just tell you how EXCITED I am about that? YIKES! ARE THEY NUTS? I'm not excited about that at all!

Anyone have about 120 dead tennis balls? The make nice little "socks" for the desks, and help preserve the floor. It keeps the room quieter too. I need the dead tennis balls from a couple of tennis teams!

Must sleep. Very, very, very tired tonight.

Oh, My Achin' Back

Today went really well. I did miss my afternoon nap. ;) The only negative is that my back hurts tonight, I'm guessing from wearing my prosthetics all day. The classroom is taking shape. We had our first faculty meeting today. Everything is going like it's supposed to. Tomorrow night (and Thursday) is an open house so we don't have to go in until Noon, because we don't get off until 8PM.

Going to bed early tonight! Peace.

Love is Patient, Love is Kind, Love Endures

Love you, brother. Don't understand why you're upset. Until and unless you call or e-mail me with some clarification, I won't ever know or understand why you're upset. You seem to think I've done something to your computer. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't. What is this all about? Please e-mail or call me privately so we can figure out where the misunderstanding is. Love you.

Gearing Up

Went to Walmart today and spent my Sonny Money. If you're not from Georgia, Sonny Money is $100 given to teachers for the last three years so that we could better equip our classrooms at the beginning of the school year. I got LOTS of school glue at $0.17 each, and lots of colored paper which is HARD to get at school, and things like scissors, rulers and colored pencils. They'll all help as things go on.

I've also been tackling a mountain of laundry that I allowed to build up. I needed some clothes to wear tomorrow. I'm also trying to tidy up a bit since I don't want my cleaning goddess to know what an incredible slob that I really am.

Tomorrow I have to once again be a responsible adult. I have the alarm set, and clothing laid out, and I'm psyching myself up to be excited about the new school year starting. I get to sling on the boobs in the morning, put on make-up and act like a grown up. I've had a chance to preview what retirement is like, and I rather like it! With luck, in six more years I get to actually retire!

Point taken from Amber. I will not let the whippersnappers intimidate me. Much. I feel kind of bad for little Jewel tomorrow when instead of hanging out with Grammy, she gets to be introduced to daycare. I got to see how she interacted with them there on Friday though, and she'll do fine. She's such a joy to be around. When I get out of school tomorrow, if there is any umph left in me at all, I can go get her and Liam if I think I can manage them. We'll have to see how much umph is left in me at 3:30.

We'll see how things go tomorrow and if I have the energy to blog tomorrow! Peace.

Aaaaaakkkkkk!

I've apparently lost my eyeglasses. I have my sunglasses, but that makes the world dark. They also are only bifocals, not trifocals. I know where I had them last. They just aren't there. I guess I'm getting new glasses. Yikes, it takes a while to make my trifocals too. It took three FULL weeks last time. Sigh. This is not good.

FLASH UPDATE: Jenn found my eyeglasses and saved me about $400!! Thank goodness!

Derrick, whatever you think I've done, I'm not smart enough to do what you appear to be suggesting. Someone else messed with your computer; not me. Call me so we can straighten things out. Love you.

It's Fall

It may only be August 1st, but it's fall now. I go back to work on Monday and on Friday the kids start their fall semester. I went over to the high school today to take care of some business and get my "Sony Money." We teachers are given $100 to buy school supplies with on the tax free weekend. It's nice. I appreciate the money. Sigh, it is also, however, a complication to get it spent and on worthwhile things, in a hurry. You don't really get to buy things that you might want the most. Oh well. Thanks Sony. It's probably the only thing you do that I think is worthwhile. I am so NOT a fan of our governor.

Jewel goes to a different place on Monday to be cared for, and so do I. It's a bit of a commencement of sorts for me, in that I'm starting my life again, after it de-railed last year. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. 366 days ago I was well. In the next 24 hours my life would change forever. In the last year my body has been fundamentally changed. My peace of mind this last year has been forever stolen. My confidence has been altered along with my body. "Do I look ok? Is anything showing? Is my clothing adjusted properly? Are my prosthetics where they're supposed to be? Are they still where they're supposed to be? Does my pain or discomfort show? Can I do what I've got to do today? Am I ok?" And those thoughts go through my mind like every other minute. Close friends and family get to see a bit more of the anxiety, less of the "window dressing" and more of me without makeup or prosthetics. But ultimately I'm not comfortable with myself yet. I'm not sure I ever will be, but I hope I will. It's going to take a while to get used to the "revised" me. I'm still startled by my short, short, short hair. I haven't had hair this short since I was an infant! It is not ME that I see in the mirror yet. My curved, caved-in chest that no longer has that full, feminine set of "headlights" -- who does that belong to? My fat ass is shrinking as I work on eating more healthy. Twenty-five pounds of my ass is no longer there, so I really am continuing to change my body. Nothing is like it used to be. Who you see today, is not the ME that I have been. I don't have confidence in who this person is; I want to slid back into myself again, but I don't think that can ever happen. That ME is gone. This ME is ...someone I don't know or feel comfortable with yet. Boo, hoo. Get with the program and just get on with life. Well, I think I am, but that doesn't mean I feel right about it. The skin I'm in has literally had some significant changes this last year.

I see lots of positive and good things. I'm happy to be alive. I do not regret any of my decisions. I'm just getting used to a different self than the one I had grown into over time. So, be gentle with me a bit longer. I need a little longer to get used to this particular incarnation of myself. I admit to being a bit unnerved to go before the 9th grade students and their particular brand of cruelty. My backbone isn't as evident as it used to be. I have stage fright. Gotta sleep now. Definitely have to sleep now.

Cancer Support Group

Tuesday night I went to the Breast Cancer Support Group. My fun fact to know and tell for the day is that physicians are not required to do any kind of pro-bono work. Physicians are SUGGESTED to give 50 hours a year of service to the indigent. A physician CAN refuse to see any patient, for example patients who are Medicare or Medicaid only. Patients who are Medicaid are considered indigent (duh!).

What this means is that if you are below 65 and poor and using Medicaid because you're disabled, you cant find physicians who will treat you. In our area of western Georgia, there is not one surgeon that will see a Medicaid patient. What this means is that if you are suffering and need surgery, you're screwed. In fact, you can die looking for a surgeon who would take your case.

There are a lot of folks who think we have the best medical system in the world. I tend to think that we're only great if we take care of the most fragile among us. So how we treat children (Our governor stopped providing children with prosthetics. If you were born with one leg, the State of Georgia will not provide you with a prosthetic one.) and how we treat the poor (The State of Georgia is allowing people to die, rather than ensure they get simple tests, minimal medical treatment, or appropriate mental health care.) and the elderly (Just try getting on the waiting list for elder services! You have to wait -- sometimes years -- for someone to die in order to get Meals on Wheels, or other elder services.). That sure says a lot about who our lawmakers think are important / worthy of treatment. Consider these kinds of things when you vote.

Monday I go back to work for the first time since September 19th. I've gotten a preview of what retirement might be like and I have to say I LIKE IT. But given that if I don't work, I probably get to live under a bridge, I guess I'll go back to work on Monday. Six more years until I get to do the real retirement thing.

I hope you and those you love are well this evening.

The Power of One, or Two or Three

In our pre-internet world, it was easy to feel isolated and like nothing we did influenced other people, or that MY life, my puny life didn't make a difference. I certainly have felt isolated and useless and like no one would care one way or the other if I died or not. I had a dark pit that I fell into and that is how I felt in my really depressed days. I think folks who don't get out much or can't get out, probably do feel that way. Depression and isolation make it very easy to feel that your life just doesn't touch other people at all, and that no one would miss you or care if you left this world.

The power of this blog has been that I have gotten to see in a very special way the power of how my life and my family's life has touched other people. It amazes me how many people read this blog. People I've never met! People who wring something out of my life adventures, and who care for and about me in ways that I know and probably don't know. I am totally amazed by the people who write me, support me in countless ways -- through e-mails, prayers, phone calls, cards, goodies, books, all sorts of things (known and probably unknown). I have gotten cynical and sarcastic over the years, and yet in the last year I have seen, over and over, the good side of people. I see the most kind and astonishingly giving things done and it renews my spirit in humankind.

I see more than ever, that we are a web of people who ARE caring, and ARE giving and ARE spiritual and ARE generous. I have been the recipient of so much generous spirit....so much. My heart overflows from the generosity of spirit that has come into my life as a result of the people I interact with in the cyberworld and face-to-face. There are awful things happening in the world, but fundamentally, people are good. People are doing the best they can and are at their core caring and generous. Of course we all know exceptions to that, but I have been struck by the goodness and kindness in the world. In ways I could never expect, people have touched my life with goodness and generosity. It is humbling. It makes me want to be a better person. Remind me of this when I forget.

Heart Warming

I sent some fund-raising e-mails out yesterday and the results just warm my heart! Every penny donated is appreciated. I know not everyone has the ablity to make even a tiny donation, and their prayers and good thoughts are just as treasured. What touched me, in particular, was one person who took the idea and passed it along to her address book. It made the circle of people who were touched by e-mail even larger than I would have imagined, and her letter made me feel cherished in a way that I think only happens when you are a child in your mom/dad's lap -- somthing us grownups don't get to feel often.

I rested today and just allowed myself to relax a bit -- really the first day since my last surgery on Wednesday. As the swelling goes down a bit, I get more excited that this surgery will help me out and be more comfortable as time goes by.

I read like a fiend today and am about to finish a book I confiscated from Jenn and Eric's bonus room last week. I already have a new book lined up to go when I finish this one. I am glad that I've recaptured my love of reading. It bothers me a bit that I no longer remember titles and authors like I used to, but I can enjoy the story and that's a pleasure after so many years of not really reading. It seems that when I got out of graduate school, I had read myself out and just couldn't bring myself to read much -- even for pleasure. That was a deep loss. Now I've revived it and enjoy speeding through books again. My memory has been clouded somehow by either chemo or being put to sleep so many times recently (or both). So, I'm not as quick as I used to be about rmembering plots or authors. It'll just have to do. The oncologist said it could take up to a year for the toxic effects of the chemo to work their way out of my system. So, maybe, I'll be back to myself. If not, I'm happy to be alive and doing as well as I am. I can accept that I may have lost a little in this battle, but gained my life.

Thanks to all who have e-mailed me or sent a donation to http://jenny3day.info/. Your kindheartedness is so refreshing. Blessings to all of you.

Fund Raising

I've been surfing the web and looking at things we could perhaps make (at smaller cost) and sell for profit to make funds for the 3-Day. I've looked at things like mailbox covers, lotion, and room deodorizers. What concerns me is that in another few weeks, kids will be fanning out over all the South selling everything from cookie dough to wrapping paper. I'm thinking that even though my personal preference is to give people an opportunity to buy something, it's probably better to just plain ask for a donation.

I'm thinking maybe we need to contact Wal-mart and see if they will allow us to solicit in a similar way to the Girl Scout cookie drive or those seeking homes for their puppies. Jenn is thinking we need to do a spaghetti supper. I think we can do both. Of course the method most commonly recommended is to e-mail everyone you've EVER known with information on how to do a donation. There is a link off my blog and many of my kind readers have already made generous donations. However, I alert you now that I'm likely to send everyone I ever knew an e-mail and be pretty overt about soliciting your help in fund raising. Go here. You are certainly welcome to go by and leave a donation of any size. Every dollar raised is a dollar I consider that is given to the research to find the cure for me, and the many women of sisterhood who come behind me. I recorded a special message yesterday at the event we went to, and it should come to me soon as e-mail. In it I say, that every dollar given is just as much for me, as it is for all the women who came before me and who come after me. I used the word "affliction," in my short spot and I kind of cringed inwardly at the use of that word. Somehow it seems archaic, like I'm talking about The Plague or Polio or something. Yet, upon reflection, breast cancer has definitely been an afliction in my life. It has meant pain, it has revised my body, it has stolen my peace of mind, it has created anxiety about the future, it has caused me great discomfort during treatment. Breast cancer has changed my whole life, and some of my anxiety revolves around the concept that it may well have been the diagnosis that will lead to my death. You can't escape that as a possibility. My treatments were aggressive and I hope that I will live long enough to earn back all the money I've paid into Social Security over a lifetime! But I won't know that. I just have to live like it is so, until I'm told it isn't so.

I feel like I need to hook up my old computer and use the e-mail guide inside it to get e-mail addy's from years and years of connections for that e-mail solicitation. I hate to have to get back into the older, more cranky computer though. I do need to get some more pictures transferred to the new computer though.

Peace to you and those you love. Many thanks to all who have already given. Please get your friends, family and colleagues at work to go to Jenn's page and make even a $1 donation. All dollars help in the fight to find a cure. It's not a cure for something like polio. It's a cure for lots and lots of diseases. Breast cancer as we know now, comes in lots and lots of varieties. My kind is more resistant to treatment, but fortunately my cancer was caught early. There are at LEAST nine kinds of cancer with many, many treatment approaches that are customized to those various kinds of breast cancer. All women (and men) who are afflicted with this terrible disease need to know that science is fighting for our lives.

Preparation for 3-Day Walk

Today Jenn and Jewel and I went to a preparation event for the 3-Day. They had workshops on how to pack, what to bring, and how to dress properly. I met the lady who is in charge of CREW assignments, and she said she will e-mail me my assignment so I can know what I'll end up doing.

Jenn went to a workshop on raising funds to meet her donation goal. Jewel had a poop and she was "on-call" for work, and so she had to leave the workshop. Clearly, however, she has to get some ideas for money-making and get them cooking SOON. She has two sponsors lined up but clearly needs more assistance getting up the funds.

The walk is probably good for the emotional part of this issue, but ultimately is the cold, hard cash that is needed to develop the right treatments for this terrible disease. Doctors, oncology nurses, and patients know at a deep level, that current treatments though more advanced than ever, are still barbarically primitive. Some treatments seem more like Medieval torture than some kind of medical "treatment." Those sisters who come after me, deserve to have a treatment that (a) works more reliably, and (b) isn't so awful to endure in order to have a chance at life. Some of the monies also go to local hospitals and providers of services to those in treatment. For instance my local hospital wants to develop a correllary to "Cardiac Rehab" and have a Cancer Rehab area. Exercise for those undergoing chemotherapy has to be modified. Many people undergoing treatment may also have a lot of self-consciousness about appearance, scars, lack of hair, lack of body parts, or radiation burns. A safe place to be engaged in positive re-building of the body sounds like a wonderful goal locally. I hope their proposal to Susan G. Komen will be funded.

Neither Jenn, nor I are smart about fund-raising. Anyone that has experience in how to go about doing this efficiently and effectively, we're open to ideas! PLEASE give us ideas!

Wow, About 8 inches!

OK, a shower and removal of the bandage have revealed about an 8-inch incision. Yipes. Jewel and I hung out yesterday and today. Fortunately she is such a total pleasure to be with, AND equally fortunately my incision isn't interfering with my range of movement of my right arm. We had a fun time yesterday, and today after mom and dad came home, Nancy and I went out to see "Mamma Mia!" It was really fun, and poor Pierce Brosnan can't sing worth a crap, but the yucks just kept on coming. Glad to get home and rest for a bit. Jenn and I are going to a 3-day event tomorrow in downtown Atlanta. Right now, though, I'm happy to take a pain pill and fall out for a bit. My eyes need to close for a while. Peace to you and those you love.

Surgery

Yesterday was a bit upsetting for a variety of reasons. Jenn and Jewel are a package deal since Jewel is still almost completely breast fed. At Crawford Long yesterday, they said Jenn could not be with me in the pre-op area or for recovery because she had a child with her. It hasn't been a problem in the past, but evidently is now. It was a little nerve wracking to have to put on my big girl panties and do everything alone. I know it bothered Jenn a lot to just look up at a TV in the waiting room and see if I was in pre-op, op or post-op. It looked like the arrivals and departures board at the airport.

The plastic surgeon that I consulted to do the surgery sent his colleague to meet with me. He never saw me the day of the surgery, and I suspect that this "resident" physician or some doc-in-training did the surgery while he just looked on. I don't remember him EVER saying, well I'm just going to stand around and watch while someone else logs some operating hours on you for training purposes. That seems like something he might have mentioned.

BUT the anesthesiology people were awesome, truly awesome yesterday and they had me awake and alert very shortly after the surgery. Much better than other operations in the past. No nausea. The excision area seems a little tight and hurts some, but not really awfully bad. I took meds for pain all day yesterday, but since Jewel and I are hanging out today, I'm going to try and do nothing more strong than some Advil or Tylenol so that I have as much brain power as possible and am not laying on the couch drooling while I'm supposed to be keeping her. I haven't seen the spot of the surgery yet. When Jenn gets home tonight I will get her to take the bandaging off. I'm just going to live in an optimistic way until and unless I hear any information to the reverse.

We were home by 11 am yesterday, I think. Much better at getting me in and out quickly than other procedures I've endured this last year. I was thankful that Jenn and Jewel were not spending the WHOLE day at the hospital with me. I went to bed as soon as we got to her house. She fed me and kept me company some, but I was pretty much a mental miniature yesterday because of the effects of the meds.

Gosh alive! I sure am glad this application has a spell-checker! Am doing OK, and expect to be home at my house tonight. A friend of Betty's is coming to help me keep Jewel tomorrow. That's going to be nice. Well, I'm going to look for the Advil now.

Hope you and yours are doing well. Peace.

More Pix and Losing An Annoyance Tomorrow

While on the island near Cozumel, we went to this set of Mayan ruins. They were way cool (although we were in the jungle and it was hot, hot, hot and muggy). Three to four-thousand years old they are literally carved out of the jungle. We saw men with machete's cutting back the jungle to keep it from encroaching on it yet again.

This road the Mayans made through the jungle is rough, but still endures.

This guy/gal was about two feet long and fortunately more scared of us, than we were of him.

The dirt here is very dark and very fine. They provide you with a faucet to wash your feet, and believe me they need it!

This lovely carving was at the end of the walking tour.

Yes, they really do towel "animals" on the ship. This was my favorite.

Must be at Crawford Long tomorrow at 6:30 am for check-in. Surgery is supposed to take place around 8:30, I think. The plastic surgeon is going to flatten out a scar from my right side mastectomy. It has a lot of very angry nerve endings in it. I hope he will remove them so that they won't hurt anymore. The excess tissue will be removed too and that will make it easier for me to wear my prosthetic breasts without problems. God bless Jenn and Eric for taking me in yet again for recovery, and bless Nancy for helping out on Friday! The generous spirit of folks to help me out is very, very appreciated.

Will check back in on the blog as soon as it's feasible. I don't know how much I'll feel like moving (or not moving) my right arm for the next few days.

Hope you and yours had a good day today!

More Cruise Photos

This is our ship at anchor at the Grand Cayman Island. We had to go to land via a "tender" boat that would come up and offload about 150 people at a time and take us to the dock. It adds a good bit of time to the whole process of going ashore.

This is the saphire blue of the ocean. I've never been so far out in the ocean to see it before. It's a fantastic sight. One morning Eric and I saw some porpoises escorting the ship and it was awesome.

My beautiful daughter collects images of mermaids. In this underwater picture she has become one. She looks so serene and beautiful in this picture. I feel like I'm looking at an angel when I see this picture. She has surely been an angel to me and will be again on Wednesday when I go for one more procedure (a scar revision). It appears it was a good thing she decided to be a nurse, because yet again, I'm indebeted to her and her sweet hubby for their nursing care to come. 6:30 am we have to be at Crawford Long. Yuck.

Worry

For various reasons, my body declined to sleep Sunday night. I tried calling my brother, yet again. It appears he is angry at me about something because he continues to refuse my calls. But until he tells me what he's upset about, I can't apologize or feel guilty or anything. He's the only one that knows why he's upset and he won't share it. He doesn't read this blog, he won't take my calls. I've sent him several e-mails........what am I supposed to do? Well, here I am getting ready to be put to sleep in another couple days, and I always figure that is a time when accidents can happen. I don't like the chance for me to leave this world without him and I figuring out a way around this issue. But, I came to an understanding tonight that is really important. I tossed and turned and turned and tossed and thought and worried and worried some more about all this. And then.......I came to the place in my mind where I finally said to myself, "I believe that one of the reasons I got breast cancer is because of all the incredible stress in my life. I really believe that worrying contributed to me getting it. I'm not going to worry like this anymore." My 46 year old brother is in charge of his anger. If he can't figure out that I'm not telepathic at this point in his life, that really is HIS problem. I am going to try to stop worrying about it. I do not have control over much of anything, but definitely not over what he thinks and why, so....I'm going to try to stop worrying about it. It's a bad feeling though, knowing that somehow, someway I've "stepped into the doo doo" and I don't even know when or how. I sort of thought that he and I have been able to work around polar opposites of politics, very different viewpoints in religion, and the differences of him and I being from two generations with 10 years between us. But, apparently not. It makes me very, very sad. And, as you see here, it makes me worry with it....ponder it, pull and push at it like it's a boil on my body that I can't keep my hands off of it. It's there and I can't keep from thinking about it and picking at it in my mind, wondering, "WTF?!" Love is too, too important to let the crap of life get in the way of plowing our way through it. Love is what we use to hold ourselves up, when there's nothing left inside us to have a reason for not falling down. Love is too precious, and too rare in this life. You and I have to work at this business of being human and fallible and humble. When he's ready to let loose with both barrels, I'm ready to hear it. In fact, I'll just go on record, here, saying, "I'm sorry." Don't know right now what about, but whatever it is, it's not more important than brother / sister love. So, whatever it is, I apologize.

Life is complicated. Worry is a choice. I'm not inviting cancer back into my life. I'm going to try to put this down and not worry about it anymore, but it's hard.

A Few Pix From The Cruise

This is Jenn (the top of Jewel's head), her father in law - Randy, and the little fellow up high (on his daddy's shoulders) is Liam. The first day before we can leave port, we have to have a life boat drill. We would be in lifeboat 22 if there were a disaster. It was hot, humid (it burst out raining shortly after this) and two teen boys behind us were WHINING about the whole event. I wanted desperately to turn around and beg them to grow some, but I thought it would be bad form since we were doing an emergency drill, and I didn't want my daughter to disown me.


This is Jewel and I on the Grand Cayman island. I thought we did pretty well.

This is a sunset that I captured. I think it turned out pretty good. I never did capture a sunrise, because I never managed to get up early enough and get dressed and out before sunrise. It was after all.....a vacation.

3-Day Adventure -- Part II

Yesterday morning was a bit muddled because the notice about the practice walk indicated the time to meet would be 8 AM CENTRAL Standard Time. We showed up a little after 8 just in case anyone was there and the notice was wrong about the time. It's not uncommon, this close to Alabama, to have time indicated to be CST. So, no one there at 8, we went to breakfast and came back at 8 CST. Well, there were three walkers there and they were finishing up! So, we had a total of 5 show up on Saturday and we exchanged e-mail addy's and decided that starting in August we'd meet every Saturday morning at 8AM EASTERN Standard Time in order to get ready for the 3-Day.

It turns out that the Bremen walking circuit is 0.75 mi around, so 9 circuits is 6 miles. When you look at it that way, it doesn't seem quite as super challenging. 9 circuits doesn't seem as long as 6 miles. Crazy, I know, but that's how I see it anyway.

Afterwards we went to an outdoor festival in Rockmart and I got a really cool sea grass basket for $35. If I'd bought it in Charleston, it would have been $135, but in Rockmart it was $35. It's really lovely too.

Hope you and yours had a good day.

3-Day Adventures

I got prompted by the 3-day people to fill out a medical form. You can't do anything for them (Walk or Crew) unless you've given them your medical history -- which is a little on the extensive side for me. So, I was messing around on my participant page and thought I'd look for any "practice" walk stuff going on, though I was doubtful there'd be anything close to us out here in FAR WEST NOWHERE GEORGIA. So I ran the search and SURPRISE (really!) there was a practice walk about 3/4ths of a mile from my townhome! Wowzers! So, this Saturday (tomorrow), Jenn and I are going to go do this event. I'm not real motivated to even begin to think I'll walk the six whole miles, but I will walk what I feel up to, and that's fine. Here's is the information which totally surprised me!



After we do this we're running up to Rockmart for a cool craft fair. I'm looking forward to both efforts. I think it'll be fun. So.....hiking boots or regular shoes? Hummmmmm.

Projects

Here's me taking a picture of me at that cool beach in Cozumel. As you can see, my hair is now long enough to be carried into the wind, and there was a lot of wind there. It felt wonderful because it was in the high 80's (maybe low 90's) and the wind made it feel wonderful; not hot. Only 6 days ago. Sigh.

A dear friend sent me the special tote provided by The Lydia Project when I was in the middle of my treatment. It was a lovely present that came to me when I was weak. My tote was titled "Faith." At the time I had a lot and a little, swinging back and forth between the two extremes like a schizophrenic on crack. It was very affirming. I use it now to carry all my art supplies for sketching, and when I see it, a smile always comes to my face. Our little support group that meets the last Tuesday of the month is going to start making and stuffing pillows to be used to cushion seat belts across the chest. Nothing so grand as The Lydia Project, but it's our way to speak to the needs in our community.

Jewel and I hung out together today and she was in a delightful mood. Yeah! The best news, however, was that my health insurance that had gotten muddled up due to the end of the school year, has been re-instated. Pretty good news as I (a) need to refill some expensive meds, and (b) am scheduled for a new procedure next week! Close call there! All is well now though.

I am looking forward to tomorrow because I am (a) childless, (b) hoping to be decadent and rest some, (c) want to get my suitcases back to their places, as in unpacked!, (d) need to go grocery shopping, and (e) need to do a water exchange for the fish. The cats annoyed me tonight until they had litter changed, fresh food and water, and if Romeo keeps annoying me, his life expectancy could go down! Nahhhh, he's my favorite cat, but he also knows how to REALLY drive me up a wall when he wants to.

The Rome Street Gallery in Carrollton, where I get art supplies and take some of my art lessons, is doing a cool project to raise money for the Carroll County Soup Kitchen. The Gallery is selling small packets of what are called "Artist Trading Cards." For $2.49 you can buy a packet of the cards and make miniature art projects. At the end of August they are going to COVER the walls of the gallery with all the cards turned in, and on 9/11/08 (no, it's not a coincidence) they will host a showing of the works. For $10 each piece bought, you can own a piece of art that someone did in pencil, chalk, acrylic, oil or other medium. I'm not sure anyone would want to buy one of my original pieces, but I suspect lots of moms and dads will buy student works, and there are some very good artists that will have their special works bid for via a silent auction. The Soup Kitchen needs an infusion of funds right now as so many are turning to it due to the Recession. I think this is a clever way to commemorate an awful date, but use the funds for positive and present needs.

Pre-ops

This is a photo from Cozumel. It was stunningly beautiful. We stopped for a photo here and then went swimming at a beautiful beach just down the road from here. I'm still looking for the other memory card. Once I find it (there are only 2 suitcases!) I'll post something more.

I went to Crawford Long today to do my pre-ops. I'm having a revision of one of the scars from one side of my mastectomies. On one side (right) I have a sensitive area of scar tissue that over the last several months has proved to be uncomfortable, consistently chaffed by my prosthetics bra, and generally hurts most of the time. We petitioned the insurance company (the plastic surgeon's office did that) to have a revision of the scar to remove nerve tissue (if the nerves aren't there, they can't hurt) and to flatten the area more so it doesn't bulge and cause so much trouble around the bra. I'm not excited about the prospect of another opportunity for someone to approach me with a scalpel, but I'm glad it could be squished in before school starts. I hope like heck that I can wear my prosthetics by the time school starts! Don't want to face the 9th grade horrors without boobs!

I got a forsythia bush at the Home Depot garden center that I like to visit, on the way home. I've been wanting some forsythia for a while. I tried to get some from freecycle but it didn't work out. So, I just bought one. I'm also trying to root some crepe myrtle. I don't know if I can. So far everything I've tried to root has died, but I keep trying. Ever since I've been under treatment, I want green things growing around me. Somehow it's an important affirmation.

Hope the adoption hearing that my friends A & R had today in Russia went well and that they'll soon be bringing home a 12-yo son to love. I've thought of them many times today. It'll be a huge change for the young man and A & R! Imagine starting school in small town America and not speaking the language at all. He's going to learn a LOT by immersion.



Feel well soon Randy. :(

Bushed but Back

Tired, tired, tired after a full day of travel. We were held hostage by the weather and ended up spending the whole of Sunday in the Ft. Lauderdale airport waiting for Atlanta's airport to re-open after harsh weather. I heard today that Atlanta got 2-1/2 inches of rain, which was more than we've gotten total since the beginning of the year. Glad that AirTran opted to wait until we didn't have to fly through that stuff.

The cruise was interesting, fun, irritating and glorious, but not at the same time. I have hundreds of pictures and will post some when I've caught up on sleep some.

I see the oncologist for my six month check-up later today and go for pre-operative testing on Wednesday. I'm going to have a scar revision done surgically next week.

Busy, busy week. I'll try to get some stuff posted soon.

Wheeeeee!!!

The suitcases are packed and in the van. I've done a water exchange for the fish. The cats have clean litter. I'm going to shave my legs and go to bed shortly after that. The alarm is set for 4:25 AM. I just have to jump into my clothes and leave. That's it. The house sitter has a key. The cats have food. If I can just make it through this cold without contaminating everyone else, AND without feeling like I want to die, it'll be great. But if not, I can feel miserable on a ship in the Carribbean just as easily as I can here at home.

I'll post when and if possible, but most likely sometime after I return on the 13th. I'm taking the camera, and extra memory card and plan to take lots and lots of pix. I'm SO excited.

You all have a great week without me. I'll be drinking a few virgin drinks (not much alcohol allowed once you've had pancreatitus), trying not to gain too many of the pounds I've "lost" back, and generally being a bum on a ship with 2,600 other people. I want to see the shows. I want to see the ocean and not see the land. I want to win the lotto too, but ...... So anyway, you all have a nice week. Kari and Chrissy, call your g'ma a couple times this week and just chat her up a bit. She may or may not remember that most of her family is away, but I'd just feel better if you checked in on her. I'll check my cell phone messages once a day. Probably won't be able to do anything about anything, but I'll check the cell anyway. Just in case.

Night all.

It's Getting Closer

OK, my toes are now acceptable in the company of other people than Bremenites.

I've even buffed the callouses off my heels. I have everything from a sewing kit, to Immodium, camera, Geocaching information, my GPSr, flashlight, night clothes, shorts, tops, my prosthetic boobs, batteries, fun stuff for Liam, my Rx drugs, even some huge zip ties to close my small suitcase. I have extra baggies, nightlights, whiteboards for our doors, an alarm clock and various and sundry other items that may or may not be important.

My house has been cleaned by my domestic goddess so I'll come home to a nice, clean house.

Wonder how I could find other geocachers on board? I bet there will be some. You can't get 2,600 people together and not have a few. I've been struggling trying, trying, trying to load the damn waypoints into my GPSr and I'm too dang stupid. It makes me so MAD. There's only about 40 waypoints; 50 at the most that might that I need to input into the GPS receiver (GPSr), but I sure would like to load them from the computer and not by hand. Grrrrr.

Someone today noticed that I'd been losing weight! Coolies. When I had boobs, that was the first place I'd lose weight. Now that I don't have boobs, it appears that there's less of my a** appearing! That's GREAT!

MD Anderson sent me a BILL for my damn copies of my pathology report. I sent them $5 in cash when I sent them the release of damn information form. So of course the bill was for $6.38. Maybe by the time I get back from my cruise there will be my pathology report! I hope someone in Houston enjoys my damn $5 that I sent in trust that it would be used for copying charges. Grrrrr. At this point I have really bad feelings toward MDA. I'm up to the ES&D stage with their administrative procedures. They may have great docs, but the administrators are demonstrating a kind of stupid-drone mind-set that makes me a little nuts.

Hope you and all you love are well. I'm signing off to go see if I can get those waypoints into the GPSr for a while longer.

New Computer

My old Athlon (6+ years old) was getting cranky, so when Woot had a special on a refurbished Athlon, I snapped it up a few weeks back. Today was the day that I reached my irritation limitation, and decided that THIS was the day I'd transfer data and get the new computer up and running.

GOOD LORD but it's a huge effort. I've got a lot of the files transferred, but it takes time, time, time. Fortunately, though, I've got the new CPU up and connect to the internet so I can post here.

I did a facial portrait for the first time tonight in art class. It ended up being kind of cool. I'm feeling like I learned something tonight. I haven't always felt like I have. Tonight I feel like I really accomplished something. I don't think the model's parents will ever recognize her from the portrait I did, but she looked human, and I've never made a facial picture that remotely looked like it was a normal human. I have a small sketchbook that I'm taking with me on the trip. Must practice.

The water/sand-proof case came today to protect my camera from myself. I also now have my other suitcase. I might actually have everything ready by the time it's time to leave!

My scar revision surgery is set for July 23rd. I can hardly stand the thought of anyone with a scalpel coming near me, but this will really help relieve some pain and discomfort (in an ideal world). Lots to do before August 4th!

Rain

Today we got a real shower. Nothing much, but all H2O is appreciated by the vegetation at this point. I have to admit that I've been watering my flowers a little lately, so that makes me a little anxious about my water bill.

Congratulations to my friend A. & R. who are leaving soon to go pick up their adopted son in Russia. Send them prayers as he speaks no English, and they speak no Russian. It will be a true language immersion experience for all involved. School will start for him shortly after he arrives in this country. I'm sure it will be true culture shock at age 12! My mother who was raised in war-time Europe could never surrender her miserly ways and accept the abundance around her, because she grew up with so little to eat and such social anxiety (anyone could be an informer). I hope this child will escape from that poverty of spirit.

My computer is having a nervous breakdown. I have a new CPU and need to transfer the data. It's a little (ok a LOT) intimidating to me to do that, but I'm going to try and do it tomorrow. I'm on the computer a lot and a stable CPU is an imperative for me.

I had a very anxious dream for a long while in my sleep last night. This is the second time recently that I've had a very anxiety-producing dream. I'm not sure what's causing the anxiety, but it's lingers for such a long time after I wake up, that I really wish my conscious mind could "get" whatever my unconscious is trying to tell me.

My hungry tummy just rumbled so loud that the cat jumped! Fighting hunger is a tough job. My appetite is coming back, back, back and I could eat, eat, eat, but I'm really trying so hard to lose weight. Sometime this week I have to find time to get a pedicure. My toes have been condemned like a delapidated house! Before letting strangers who I'll never see again in my life see my feet, I have to get them properly done up. I guess they sort of scream Redneck as opposed to alluding to sophistication. ;) Lookout world. I have enough hair to not look like I'm about to croak any second, new panties, and I'll have a pedicure and tropical attire.

Fancy Flip Flops

Alan wants to know what jazzy flip flops look like. Well, for me, THIS is jazzy.

They look a little pink in this picture but they are actually a kind of dull gold color or perhaps more descriptively, bronze-ish. Not too flashy (I'm not a flashy girl.) but will keep my soles from frying when going back and forth to the pool, and will look nicer than my orthotic sandals for dining experiences. It IS the Caribbean after all! For all other walking experiences it's the orthotic sandals, EXCEPT when we go cave tubing. I have a cheap pair of Ked's-type sneakers that I can chunk if I have to, but are required. You MUST have closed-toed foot attire on when cave tubing. The flip flops, by the way, are sitting right on top of my suitcase!

The list for what goes in the suitcase is now about 75% checked off. My new tote bag came yesterday, and so it will hold my purse, a change of clothes (in case there's a delay in suitcases catching up with me), my medications and other odds and ends. The really important stuff stays with me, and it can double as my beach and excursion tote during other portions of the trip.

I imagine this sounds very boring to most people, but for me this is EXCITING stuff! I've never done this. My daughter's been on two cruises; this will be her third! Eric's parents have been on several cruises, I think. I know they went on one last year to Alaska. How amazing it is that Liam will be taking his second flight! (Two summers ago Jenn and Liam and I went to Salt Lake City for a week.) Jenn flew many, many times as a baby, but that was because her daddy worked for a now defunct airline. I was 25 or so before I took my first flight in an airplane.

I guess the only trip that has generated this much excitement in me, was when the world came to Atlanta in 1996, and I left. I always wanted to see the Grand Canyon and so I loaded up my truck, and went. Yes, I went camping all by myself across America. And it was just fine. I loved the Grand Canyon but hated how the brown colors of the west disturbed my equilibrium. MY world is green, not brown. I enjoyed the "Painted Desert," but I despised the high, high temperatures (117 in Flagstaff as I left for the north rim of the GC). It's all a learning experience.

I can't wait to see a bit of Honduras, a tiny bit of Belize and to visit a different area of Mexico. It fits in nicely with the probability that I'll be doing World Geography this coming year again. It's always nice when I can say something about the places we studied. Jenn and I have chuckled about me going to Honduras. When I quit my job in 1989 to go back to college, and I was terrified that at age 39 I'd fail miserably because my brain had turned to concrete -- my Spanish I class assigned me to do a poster/paper on Honduras. Jenn helped me with that project and we'll both always remember the flag of Honduras and the capital (bonus points if you know). Click HERE to see if you're right.

There is a piece of Mexican pottery that I regretted not getting for myself when I last was in Mexico. (Juarez, 1997-98?) I'm planning on traveling with a mostly empty suitcase that I can bring home cool suveniers in. This time I will not regret not getting something!

It's officially less than a week before we take off, literally! How cool!

Packing Already & New Surgery

I've bought new panties (Jenn) so I don't embarass myself (or anyone else) by having panties that aren't up to snuff. I have put out my suitcase and am putting things in it off my list. The FIND of the day was a pair of snazzy flipflops that I can wear either to the pool on the boat, or as nice dinner shoes that are fancier than my sandles. In general I don't think flipflops are shoes for dressy attire, but it's a boat for crying out loud in the Carribbean. Dressy attire has a different interpretation.

The trip feels more excitingly close as I put each and every item into the suitcase.

OH and the good news of the day is that Emory called and my scar revision has been approved by my insurance! When we get back from the trip I'll schedule the surgery, which should not be a huge deal. I will have to have a general anesthesia, but I will be happy to get rid of this irritating, painful and dense area of nerves that is a result of the mastectomy on my right side. I wish it could have been done a month ago, but oh well. At least I'll be able to heal for a week by the time school starts. (I hope.) What day from July 23rd or after will work for your schedule, Jenn?

Not feeling awfully well tonight, so I'm heading to bed.

Cancer Support Group

I remembered to go to it this month. It's good to be in a place where you can talk about all the things that no one wants to hear about anymore. It's amazing the things that folks did go through or are going through. Years after your initial treatment, so many things can still come up. I hope I don't get to find out about too many of them. So far, so good for me.

Showed off my mastectomy swimsuits that I got for the cruise. The hearts of some of us are so big. One lady felt alone while she was getting chemo, so now she makes packages to take to new people on chemo that don't have someone to accompany them to treatments. Such kindness. She takes them there personally and includes such wonderfully nice things in her packages. One lady brought her "seatbelt" pillow. Most of us don't like the seatbelt that crosses our chest, even after our chests have healed. She showed us a pillow she made and uses to prevent the seatbelt from putting too much pressure on our chest. As a group we're thinking of making these and distributing them. We'll see if it really happens.

Our fearless leader was unable to be with us tonight. We wish her well in her recovery from recent surgery. Evidentally she's doing so well, however, that she's making most of us feel inadequate.

Oh, I weighed in at WW tonight. Lost a big 0.4 pound. This is the kind of loss that undermined me and made me feel like all the effort was for next to no reason. However, I've lost 13.5 lbs. since I started, so I suppose if I just keep at it, sometime in the next decade I'll finally either be dead or down to a more ideal weight. Very discouraging. Very.

Must sleep.

Art

We're doing some interesting things in art class. I'm thinking of getting a small sketch book to carry around with me. We used erasers today! That's a big deal. My former art teacher wouldn't allow erasing at all. Next week we may even get to use some color charcoal. Wooooo.

I seem to have difficulty getting heads and feet in proportion to bodies. I make them too small (the heads and feet).

I'm still pretty amazed by how a little instruction can make a huge difference in what a person can accomplish artistically.

Ate breakfast this morning out under the pergola. I like it!

I've found someone to feed my fish and kitties while I'm gone. BIG relief. My goldfish are pretty big now and I don't want to overly stress them. They have to be fed daily.

Maybe tomorrow I can work on my next flower bed. I need to shovel up some grass before I put in the Miracle Gro (tm) dirt. I already have some flowers to put in the bed.

Leslie, I got the post card today! I bet the cats were cool. Manx cats have the SOFTEST fur.

Pergola

I slaved over it for an hour last night. I put things together in the daylight hours today for about 3 hours. Finally about 7PM tonight, with the help of a neighbor and my SIL and Daughter, and the two grandchildren, we got the last of the pieces assembled and placed on my back "patio." It's going to be great. It's not pretty, but it's got lots of shade, and that's what I NEED. It was probably 95 this afternoon while I slaved over putting in all but the last 8 bolts. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

I see the ENT tomorrow. Things are better, but I'm still not hearing as well as I should. I'm hoping he has some positive suggestions for improving that.

Finishing up a John Gresham book, "The Chamber." I think I'll have to stay up late and finish it tonight. Only one or two chapters left. I have already taken my night meds though, so I might be drooling soon and unable to have a cohesive thought.

Thanks to all who helped with the pergola today. It's going to be lovely. Between it and my two umbreallas, I have about a 16 by 16 outdoor room to sit int he shade and have breakfast, read, or nap. Love it.

Sending good thoughts out to Randy tonight. Get well soon girl. I'm hoping your new and improved arrangement will give your relief from a lot of discomfort. You're just getting all tuned up for retirement! Put bamboo in the restaurant somewhere. It is supposed to attract money.

Peace to you and all you love.

Small Town Adventures

We went to the local Saturday farmer's market this morning. Not early enough to get blackberries, but early enough so that afterwards we could go out for breakfast.

Came home and started searching on the web for the perfect fold-up beach bag, carry-on, humongus purse. I may or may not have found one, but it's ordered and on it's way. I was surprised where I found it (QVC) but if you look at the pictures, it has all kinds of interior pockets, which is a must! I can pack it in my suitcase and then use it when going to the pool, the beaches or on return home for souvenirs.

The excitement is building around here. We all feel like the kids in the Disney advertisement who exclaim, "I'm too excited to sleep!"

I've made my personal check-off list of what will have to go in my suitcase. My other bathing suit that I ordered (so I have two) came and so I have one to put on that won't be cold and wet (I hope.). I was surprised though that though the style of the newest one is different, the fabric is a different color of the same print. Didn't know when I ordered it that it was the same print as the first suit I got from these folks.

Attire, ESPECIALLY bathing suits, is a whole new challenge now that a major portion of me has been removed! It's not impossible though and I'm much more concerned about people seeing my fat thighs, than I am them seeing a peek of my scars.

July 5th is our departure date. "I'm so excited I can't sleep!"

Sun Shield

The goal for this weekend is to assemble the sun shield before Georgia returns to temperatures more fitting for areas barely north of hell.

Baby Love

I like the beat, but the topic of the song is a little different than my heading.

Jewel and I were the dynamic duo today. Not a lot got done other than dinner. It's ever SO sweet to be loved by anything that innocent, and vulnerable and happy. Babies are the bestest.

Cooler Temps

Cooler temps today were very welcome. Lovely weather and I hope it holds for a few more days. While it's a little cooler I have some projects outside to do! Weather predictions seem to indicate it might be under 90 tomorrow.

People who have bumper stickers are more likely to be involved in road rage, a recent study says. It doesn't matter if your bumper sticker is about Peace and Love or if it's an advertisement for the benefits of certain green, leafy, vegetable matter for a tobacco substitute. Your kid may beat up my honor student, or perhaps you're proud of your alma mater -- it doesn't matter. If you have a bumper sticker, you're more likely to have temper issues when confronted with poor driving, a challenge from another driver, the proverbial "finger" or the occasional shout out. I don't have any bumper stickers, but I've thought about it, and of course I have that 2ft. by 3ft. magnetic sign on the truck advertising Jenn's web page for the 3 Day. I wonder if that magnetic sign means I'm at risk for road rage?

Very excited by our upcoming cruise. So many exciting possibilities.

Worn OUT!

I appreciated the chance yesterday to combine several trips of mine with Jenn. Anything to save on gas.

However, I walked and did so much all in one day that I wore myself to a totall FRAZZLE and as a consequence, I did NOTHING today.

I got up at my regular time, watered plants, ate breakfast and then lay down again and the next thing I knew it was 1PM. Pheww, that is tired!

I hope you and yours have had a wonderful day.

Woooo Hoooo!

This arrived TODAY! It was 10 days total "in-process." I think it is amazingly fast processing. This will make travel easier and make re-entry into the US a lot more likely. All the "Homeland Security" stuff these days really makes one pause when leaving the country. It's easy to leave, but re-entry can be tricky these days with all the rules changing about what you need for identification. THIS is the gold standard, however.

Shopped until I about dropped today. But I got several nice tops that I can wear to school (and on the cruise). And I was able to get a couple more pare of shorts. I have about three pair, and feel better about having a couple more to wear on the trip. I have a beach cover-up now too. We lucked up at BabiesRUs today and got some sunblock-type clothing for Miss Jewel and Master Liam. We're going to be in the tropics so we want to be sure that they don't catch too many "rays."

I had art class tonight. I was tired but was very jazzed when the art teacher said I did the best job of anyone in class tonight! Wow!

Tired, tired, tired. Must sleep.

Excitement!

It's been exciting around here this weekend! And not just because I let the hose trickle accidentally all night on one of the dogwood trees either! I usually have very minumum water usage so if I end up with a little more this month, it's not a big deal unless it ends up being WAY more than I think it might be.

The big excitement is that we're going on a cruise. I've never been on a cruise before so that alone is exciting. But the real cool part is that it's going to be Jewel and Liam with their Mom, Dad and all their grandparents. With some extensive juggling it's been worked out so that we can all go. We're going on a western Caribbean (I would have never figured out that Caribbean had two "b's" in it, if it wasn't for spellcheck!) cruise that will include stops in Cozumel, Mexico, some port in Belize and some island off Honduras. I'm pretty stoked about the whole thing. Thank goodness I bought that bathing suit a couple weeks ago. It appears that I'll be using it a good bit on this trip. If you're really interested, you can browse THIS site for the whole lowdown.

This is the vacation I wanted to take (going to exotic places) but it's better because I get to have my family around too. I found some pictures of Jenn recently when she was 4 and she couldn't remember the event, but she looked SO cute. Now we'll have pix of Liam and little Jewel on this big family get-together on the ocean, that they can show their kids in years to come.

I of course want to geocache on the trip and so far have found two caches within walking distance of the ship dock in Cozumel. I hope to have similar success in Belize and Honduras, and then I can say I'm an international geocacher!

I had a lovely lady luncheon with several of the townhome ladies here today (over at my next-door-neighbor's). We dined on sumptuous fresh fruit, some GREAT grits w/shrimp and asparagus' and fresh salad. THAT is a lovely, lovely luncheon that would never have filled up a manly man, but we had a fun time cackling and noshing on the good food. Thanks, K. It was nummy.

Betty is restocked with food. I've done some laundry of my own. I'm still scratching, but I bought some hydrocortosone cream to see if that gives me any relief whatsoever.

I'm getting a really coolies vacation this year! Wow. I get the beach, a cruise and international travel all rolled into one. It's just freakin' AWESOME!

Jewel Conked Out

Jewel and I hung together today. I had her in the swing while I was folding some clothes, and looked around to see why it was so quiet. I looked over and this is what I saw. I gently moved her back into a sitting position, and in S L O W motion she moved back into this position.

Tragic news about Tim Russert today. He seemed to like his job. But I personally am hoping for more than 58 years; I'm sure he was too.

Jenn tried to "style" what hair I have today and make it more stylish. Unfortunately all we had were a lot of laughs. It's just too short to really be "styled." I at least have moved from the image of Uncle Fester to a Marine hair cut all the way to an Army hair cut now. As time goes on maybe I'll even find out what I look like with bangs -- something I haven't had in about 50 years. I'm glad for every micrometer of hair that I have, no matter what color!

Eczema, Eczema, Eczema!

It's getting worse. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Scratch, SCRATCH, SCRATCH!!!!!

I'm tired tonight but looking forward to going to my first Geocaching event in about a year. It's in downtown Atlanta and I don't plan to do much more than hold down a chair, but I'm looking forward to some fun and seeing friends I haven't seen in AGES. Saturday, I'm headed to do something I want to do and see friends and meet new friends in a way that I did BEFORE cancer -- like in my life might be approaching something I'd consider NORMAL! Ok, well, closer to normal -- for me. I never claimed to be truely "normal."

Before school starts back, I'd like to travel somewhere cool and exotic. Probably not Europe because the exchange rate is so awful right now with the weak dollar. Where would be an interesting, but not too challenging place to go to for a few days? If I stay in the US, what would be a cool place to visit that I haven't already visited? If I go somewhere out of the country, where? What would I see there? I have about six weeks left to have a little fun before my life is locked into the school year. All suggestions appreciated.

Productivity

I'm telling you, I'm getting more and more productive these days. This morning I took care of disability insurance crap that involved Met-Life and the Social Security Administration. It's pretty awful when the SSA people are cheerful and helpful and you can't say that about the people you paid money to for years. But it's taken care of now, and I get to interact soon with Met-Life.

This afternoon I had four dental fillings. I drove myself to the dentist over on Wendy Hill Rd. and home. I didn't have to have any shots and no hypnosis was required. The dentist did it all and I didn't have hardly any discomfort. After years of traumatic dental work leading to years of refusing to get any dental work done, I love my dentist. He is so gentle and so incredibly nice.

Amber you will be glad to know that there is now mulch over the tree bases. Thanks to my next-door-neighbor they're covered in bark. I hope the rain tonight and an hour and a half of slow drip on the most fragile fo the two trees will help it out some.

I'm assembling the baby pergola that I bought but it's going to have to be done on the installment plan. It's pretty challenging assembly in this heat.

I sinned grievously today and will not be able to claim victory in the Weight Watcher's hall of fame today. I've been bad. But it was all GOOD. Mmmmmmm.

Stay cool.

Plastic Surgeon

I visited the PS that I was recommended to see at Emory/Crawford-Long. He's agreeable to doing the scar revision. No drain is likely required (phew!), but the Emory system of seeking insurance approval for such surgical intervention will take a MONTH!! I was hoping to get it done NOW so it would be well healed by the time school started. I understand them wanting to be REALLY, REALLY sure that the insurance will cooperate and pay for the procedure, but a one month delay for administrative delay inside EMORY seems nuts to me. They actually cautioned me NOT to call the approval department because calling could foul up the length of approval even longer! Jeeeezzzz! What a screwy system. I've been so impressed with so many aspects of the Emory system back when I was in for my Pancreatitus and gallbladder surgery a few years ago, that I'm just stunned by this inefficient and excruciating slow administrative log jam.

OH, and get this.......I sent the permission to MD Anderson giving them permission to release the information about MY pathology report to me. I got a letter from MDA yesterday.....it's them sending it back to me, because I didn't specify a date the permission would expire. So I have to send it back to them after specifying when the permission will expire. But I still get hung up on the idea that I have to PAY to get MY information from MDA and I have to give MDA my legal permssion to release the information to ME. That's another screwey medical thing. I think it's a genuine abuse of HIPPA. Who do you report this insanity to? It's just crazy.

Bought a nice little sun shade gizmo from Lowes today. It's not as expensive or as fancy as a pergola, but it offers some nice shade, and that's something I desperately need around my outdoor room. Especially with these high temps we're "enjoying" more shade is good. I'm hoping that it won't be too complex to assemble. I've been wondering how to acquire a little more shade, but the price was right and the size is pretty much what I need. Yeah, Lowes!

Hope you and those you love are safe, well and cool tonight.

Art Class

Tonight I had my first "Drawing the Human Body" art class. The instructor, Clint, had us use charcoal to sketch. We used easels and stood while sketching a life model. He encouraged us with feedback that indicated we were on par with his college class. Well, I would hope so, we're paying college prices for his teaching!

Everyone in the class is a total beginner. Some folks have done some other kinds of art but no one is more than a beginner for drawing. Using charcoal is interesting. We did all our drawing on newsprint. I won't be able to scan this pics because he has us using paper that is 18 x 24.

The gallery in C'ton has a nice space for the class. Apparently I will need to arrive early to class each week, unless I plan on buying an easel. (They have a few you may use, first come; first served.) The newsprint and charcoal are an interesting medium to work with. I didn't understand why we had to get different kinds of charcoal, but after using two different kinds of charcoal, I see how they are different in the level of impression and the depth of the mark they make.

Tired. Tomorrow I go see the plastic surgeon to determine if I'm eligible for a scar revision. You wouldn't believe all the hoops this guy makes you jump through before you ever see the fellow! Amazing.

Hope you and those you love are well.

Sweltering Sunday

This weekend I pretty much hid out and did nothing but my grocery shopping.

There's a bunch of us "mature" women that live here in the townhomes, and I found out today that one got laid off from her job. She is freaking OUT. I know I would be. She's literally willing to mow grass and clean houses in order to make money. I'm not sure, but I think she's older than I am, so finding a job is going to be a BIG challenge.

The heat is effecting my new dogwood trees. I'm worried that they may not make it. A different neighbor clued me in on how to let a dripping hose gently drip onto the tree roots for a while instead of trying to just water them with a rush of water. I hope letting the drip deal work will save them.

Tomorrow I get to hang out with Jewel. I hope her teeth have come through. The girl is going to be happier when they finally come in.

Mamma

If I knew how to turn it 90 degrees, I would. But, I don't. So just turn your head sideways and listen to the girl as she says, "Mam mam mamma" I took the video with my phone. I'm impressed that it's as good a quality as it is.

Did a little pottery yesterday, but wasn't very satisfied with how it turned out so far.

Even though it was hot, hot, hot today, I enjoyed reading in my outdoor "room" out back.

For dinner tonight I made Chinese spring rolls and they turned out pretty nifty if I do say so myself. I haven't done it before, but decided I'd attempt it today. They were actually easy to make, it just took a while to make the stuffing because you have to cook it twice. They'd never make the Weight Watcher approved list though because they have to be fried.

Miss Jewel is going to get a couple of teeth most any moment. I don't understand why they haven't broken through her gums yet. They're really pushing up hard against the gums and she's clearly unhappy about it a lot of the time.

There's an old Hank Williams song, Kaw-Liga, and I have this music playing in my head, because I think it'd make great melody for Jewel's song. I've decided with her constant drooling, she needs a song about SALIVA. ;) I think if I came up with lyrics it could be put to this song quite easily. Hahaha.

Shoulder is improving with the work-outs they give me at physical therapy. It seems to be more stable. It's gratifying to know that all that suffering is worth it!

Good to continue to hear occasionally from my former ChemoAngels. You'll both always have a special place in my heart. It's always awesome to hear from you both.

Pic of the Day

This is a pic Jenn took of Jewel and I today. I like it so decided to post it here too. As you can see I'm pushing out hair as fast as I can. I had my passport pictures taken today, so will have short, short hair for the next 10 years on my passport; what the hell! I'm hoping I get it back fast enough so that I can have it to travel somewhere fun by the end of the summer. The word on the street is that while it was taking up to 10 weeks to get a passport, it's back down to 4 - 6 weeks. So...maybe. We'll see. If not, maybe over the winter holidays I can go somewhere warm. Mmmmmm.

Jenn and Jewel and I all went up to the county seat, Buchanan today to do a bunch of business. It was funny to live in a place so small that we could walk across one street to do this business, and drive 1/4 mile to see some other county office. And Buchanan is so small, it's hard to imagine why it ended up being the county seat. Bremen is much larger. It's like if someone said that the county seat of Fulton County would be East Point instead of Atlanta. Very weird. And, of course, the word Buchanan has been "Southernized" so that while it's named for a past President of the US who actually pronouced his name Bu-canon, it's locally pronounced Buck-annan. They know immediately if you're not local around here if you pronounce it like the President's name.

When we first moved to Georgia in 1967, my dad who was a real history nut, used to pronounce that street in Atlanta, with it's proper Spanish intonation. Ponc-A de Lee-own. People all thought it was nuts, because everyone knows it's Ponce-dee-Lee-on.

Oh well, things are just rocking along. I may even stop and do some pottery this afternoon for the first time in FOREVER. I hope you and all you love are well and happy this day.

Mini-Miracle

In a much-needed mini-miracle, when I went to weigh in at Weight Watchers, they had the keys I had managed to lose track of last week. Phew.......I am not a responsible adult anymore when it comes to keys! I just can't seem to keep track of them anymore!

I've officially lost 13 pounds now since joining WW's. That's more weight than I lost in 6 months back in the 80's when I did WW's when it was much more difficult and required a LOT more food preparation and obsession. Basically I've decided to be hungry most of the time. But I was hungry most of the time when I was eating everything I wanted to and was gaining weight. So I guess I'll keep at it a while longer. Losing 13 pounds in about 2-1/2 months makes me feel like I'm actually getting somewhere with my deprivation.

Still scratching.

Still crocheting.

Reading a new book.

Jewel and I get to hang out tomorrow, so it's up and at 'em early.

I ordered a bathing suit suitable for boobless women. I'm expecting it to arrive soon. I'm supposed to be able to put my prosthetics in pockets in the right spots, and so then I'll be able to visit the pool. I'm very skeptical of buying attire that can't be tried on, when I have huge fitting issues these days. It'll be interesting. It's ugly, but it's less ugly than most of the other ugly swimsuits for fat girls with mastectomies. Another reason to lose weight. Maybe I can actually get down to a weight that has minorly ugly swim suits instead the majorly ugly ones.

Scratch, scratch.

Eczema & Physical Therapy

We combined trips to C'ton today, so Jenn and Jewel came to PT with me. I went on errands with her.

Right now I'm miserable with eczema. All I want to do is scratch, scratch, scratch. After a search on the internet, it appears that eczema can be an infrequent side effect of a compromised immune system resulting from chemotherapy. The cure appears to be boosting your immune system and time.

If it's not one thing it's six more. Scratch. Scratch. Oooooooo, Scraaaaaaaatch!

The Water Baby

Loving the water at the community pool.